Fie for Thought

2011-03-20T03:24:00.003+08:00

I feel distracted by emotions but I pushed on. Everything's inside just suppressed and controlled...

Controlled... Yes.. How I know you hate that word. You and your impulsive self.

I thought all was good. There's a happy ending for you. I didn't go close nor I didn't stay far. I'm no one to you but that's ok. All I wished for was your happiness. It really affects me seeing you down. So much so that I can't bear the weight on my chest, helplessly unable to comfort you. It keeps me awake at night, haunts my dreams and invades my focus.

Previously I looked forward to our random meet ups. Just to see how you're doing. I didn't ask, but I can tell. I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to intrude. I am, anyway, just a nobody. Seeing you smile just made my months better. Yeap, it lasts for months.

During the Slash gig, I held on to you. I felt awkward and guilty but, fuck, I felt soothing and calmed, amidst the wild crowd. I couldn't let go of you, but I had to. I found out where had my emotions went all these time. It was suppressed. Tucked away somewhere. I convinced myself they are a liability. That emptiness and neutrality was because of that; I didn't let it out. Maiden gig was where it starts to burst out. The thought of not seeing maiden up front suddenly hits me. Thus the frustrations. All I want was maiden but I was thinking of your safety before I decided to head to the front. Seeing you with him I felt confident you'll be fine. I left the queue.

We're in. I wanted to make sure you're fine and well with him by your side. Found you, you're ok but you pulled my hand. Starting band I stayed awhile, test the water. Wild crowd, you're still doing fine. "She'll be fine" I thought and I left and squeezed for center stage. Before it all starts I saw him being carried out, fainted. I panicked. All I can think of is you being alone in that madness. Didn't hesitate, I bashed through towards you. Found you, held you close and after that everything was like a dream. Here I am watching Iron Maiden live at the same time holding the love of my life keeping her safe. I couldn't have it any other way. It was romantically chaotic and metal. But I didn't show it. It was a night I'd remember for the rest of my life. You said goodbye and thanks after that. I didn't dare to look you in the eye and said goodbye because I know that dream has ended. Again, I didn't show it, suppressed, no one saw it.

March 1st. You told me you broke up. My heart almost popped out of my mouth. I got dizzy and couldn't stand still. I had to see you. I had to comfort you. Somehow, someway... but I failed. I'm a nobody.. Days went by, I feel that I'm a nuisance to you. I tried not to but I just couldn't help myself. Hopeless I am. There must be a way to cage myself from you.

I figured it out. I'll do it. There's nothing else for me to give. I've got nothing. I'm not worthy of you but you're my beating heart. Seeing you happy made my heart race with happiness, seeing you down and sad makes my heart feels like its been stabbed a thousand times. Yes, those nightmares were of you. And they are still going on now, but its a small disturbance.

Nearing 5 years is a long, long time. I've been through a lot and learn a lot. There's never a day gone by that I've not thought of you even while dating people. I think of you before i closed my eyes every night. How're you doing.. are you happy.. are you hurt/ill.. Then I'll go to sleep. 2-3 years back I'd argue its just familiarity or just plain stubborn. Now I'm convinced I'm truly in love with you. I can't have you but I swear from the depths of my heart that I'll be there for you as soon as I can. I'm not one who breaks promises let alone sworn to something.

Coz all I wish for is your happiness and well being, no matter who you're with or what you're doing. Just because...

I love you...from then till now through various tests, it's never faltered...

however..I can't bring myself to tell you all these...posting here in a smallest and tiniest of hope you'd read it..

2009-06-09T22:08:00.002+08:00

Across barren plains, her thoughts wandered. Far reaches to the corners of the lands, her mind traveled. For unknown questions she's trying to answer, forever searching, the mind's plunder.

For days, with just the cloth that protects her from the relentless desert winds and storms, she reached the lands of Artundia. As said in the prophetic texts where one seeks the answer to the unknown lies a test in the distant lands of the forsaken.

The sight of its barrenness overwhelmed her. As though her soul was translated and scarred the land that behold in front of her. Summoned what's left of her sanity, she embraced the emptiness, for what it hid values her meaning of existence.

2009-06-08T20:53:00.003+08:00

She walks through the mist, thoughts filled her consciousness. Would it be delivered by the hand of fate? Ravaging through lost memories, in hope to find a clue. Neither light nor shadow can she find that object of obscuration. The mist avoided her, as though the flow of river around an obstacle.

"How thy seek thee, for thy be damned caitiff."

Pleas fell on deaf ears, they say. Hardened stones, stubborn beliefs. Plea she did, for heavens forgiveness, unknown and not actuality. Unavailing, wander upon endless lands, seeking amnesiac miracles.

2009-05-04T17:23:00.003+08:00

Let me tell you a story about dogs and cats which has something to do with life and temper.

Imagine this. There's a stretch of road with houses on both sides. Each house has a pet cat and dog. Outside the house, there's stray cats and dogs.

1) So once awhile, the stray dog will go around and mark territory by pee-ing at certain points. Angered, the dogs inside the houses, trapped by the locked gate, make lots and lots of noise, barking and howling. At the same time, causing havoc around the neighbourhood with all the noise. Being irritating. The stray dog however, ignores and continue marking his territory and occasionally chases other stray dogs that happens to intrude into their territory.

2) While the dogs are making lots of noise making a big fuss about the situation, the cats in the house just sleepily lay down comfortably, waiting for the next meal and just watching the free show by the barking dogs. Without a care or worry, just waiting for the next meal. Ignoring the fact that something is wrong. Well, its not their problem. It'll be their problem if the next meal is not coming because of it. And they start meowing, at that same position, just looking cute.

3) And here comes the stray cat. Always silent, never in the spotlight, roaming free. Grabbing all the opportunities that lies outside the gates for the next meal. The stray dogs might have marked their territory, but the cats, because of their low profile actions, got the whole place to explore without being bark at.

So what's the moral of the story? There are a few ways you can relate it to. Lets start with anger.

For the barking dog, that resembles those people with short temper. They make noise, they complain, basically they make people around them rather miserable and stress. Not to mention the disturbance and the scene they'll make. All the barking and howling etc. didn't do anything about letting the stray dog mark their territory. Instead, it just makes things go chaotic for the selfless thought of itself.

Next we'll go with ignorance. Ignorant people just want everything to come easy. Get a stable job with the highest salary and the minimum effort to do work, settle down somewhere and mind their own business, anything that happens around them doesn't concern them, but if it affects them then they'll start complaining, whining but not doing anything about it. After awhile, the best answer and most common will be, "What to do? Bo bian...".

Following ignorance will be selflessness. The stray dog cares for nothing but territory domination. Get everything, as long as it will benefit itself, for as much as it can. These people are most successful in life in terms of economy and status. Their confidence comes from their undistinguished desire to get what they want no matter what the costs. They ignore the complains, the scene that was created by them, but because what they did benefit another person and in return benefit them, they earn a plus point in what they are doing.

Lastly, we have the stray cat. These group of people are the happiest in living life as the way it is. Happy at what is given and what was already acquired. They are opportunists, peace loving, patient and open minded. They look at the world at an outsider's point of view. Some took matters into deep thinking and came out solutions which are rather unseen from the rest of the community. Others strive to achieve a goal with sometimes no economical or status benefits.

People are born sad, angry, happy, determined or ignorant. It can be change with one's effort and will power through psychological means. Great examples are our great geniuses of the past and present.

Sir Issac Newton was an anti-social person at young age, suffering from depression and mental illness. That didn't stop him from being one of the greatest physicists ever. Albert Einstein was born with a rebellious nature and even got into trouble while in school, saying that the teachings of the school dull and not creative. Later on, though the ego of his rebellious attitude remains till adulthood, he admits blunders and mistakes whenever he does them, openly to criticism and accusations. Stephen Hawkings was once a lazy student. He spend no more than an hour each day during college to study and concentrated more on leisure activities and socializing. At the mist of discovering his fatal illness was actually progressing much slower than expected, he turned into a workaholic and developed the ability to recreate and study page-long formulas in his mind for hours at a time spanning years in duration.

These are great examples. There are countless of other smaller less conspicuous examples out there that we see everyday. In a way they are the same. It all boils down to how much one wants to change the way he or she live their lives. Changing something requires action by one, not by another and that action is carried out from the heart, not the mouth.

2009-04-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

Quotes by Albert Einstein

"The individual feels ... the sublimity and marvelous order which reveal themselves in nature ... and he wants to experience the universe as a single significant whole."

"a person who is religiously enlightened appears to me to be one who has, to the best of his ability, liberated himself from the fetters of his selfish desires and is preoccupied with thoughts, feelings and aspirations to which he clings because of their super-personal value ... regardless of whether any attempt is made to unite this content with a Divine Being, for otherwise it would not be possible to count Buddha and Spinoza as religious personalities. Accordingly a religious person is devout in the sense that he has no doubt of the significance of those super-personal objects and goals which neither require nor are capable of rational foundation ... In this sense religion is the age-old endeavour of mankind to become clearly and completely conscious of these values and goals, and constantly to strengthen their effects."

In a letter to Eric Gutkind in 1954 Einstein wrote:

I read a great deal in the last days of your book, and thank you very much for sending it to me. What especially struck me about it was this. With regard to the factual attitude to life and to the human community we have a great deal in common. ... The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. These subtilised interpretations are highly manifold according to their nature and have almost nothing to do with the original text. For me the Jewish religion like all other religions is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are also no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them. In general I find it painful that you claim a privileged position and try to defend it by two walls of pride, an external one as a man and an internal one as a Jew. As a man you claim, so to speak, a dispensation from causality otherwise accepted, as a Jew the privilege of monotheism. But a limited causality is no longer a causality at all, as our wonderful Spinoza recognized with all incision, probably as the first one. And the animistic interpretations of the religions of nature are in principle not annulled by monopolisation. With such walls we can only attain a certain self-deception, but our moral efforts are not furthered by them. On the contrary. Now that I have quite openly stated our differences in intellectual convictions it is still clear to me that we are quite close to each other in essential things, ie in our evaluations of human behaviour. What separates us are only intellectual 'props' and 'rationalisation' in Freud's language. Therefore I think that we would understand each other quite well if we talked about concrete things. With friendly thanks and best wishes Yours, A. Einstein.

"I'm not an atheist. I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws."

2009-02-13T13:40:00.002+08:00

Hmmm. I came across this thing called the state of no thoughts. Its a teaching by some "Enlightened Master" from India from the teachings of the Shiva Sanskrit or something. It goes by the saying that if you're aware of what you're doing, you won't have thoughts going through your mind. Kinda hard to understand? Simply put, the teachings teach you to be fully aware of yourself and your surroundings. Sounds simple but logically misleading.

I didn't really look through the training but I did saw a part of the Master was teaching regarding emotion suppression and expression. Emotions he was referring to are anger, sadness, hate, all the negative emotions. He said that it is because of our thoughts that our emotions arise and took control of ourselves. It is because we weren't aware of the thought that was coming to us that will make us negative.

All this mambo-jambo won't make any sense at all if I were to explain it here. Try going to youtube and search for "LifeBlissFoundation" and you'll see some clips on the Master's speech.

Why did I randomly talk about this thing? I decided to give it a try. So I wrote down every single unaware thoughts on a piece of paper for a day, from every event that happened that day till I'm on my bed falling asleep.

And from that small experiment, I realised all this time I thought I was full of thoughts on everything around me. Meaning, when I walk, I'll take note of my posture, my footing and my breathing. If someone walk's pass me I'll notice the hair, the clothes, the posture, the facial expression, the sound of the person's walking, the smell. In a vehicle, I'll notice the engine, the tire's friction, the seats, the air-con blowing, the bumpy road, the music from my phone. While travelling in that vehicle, there are more things that I'll be aware of.

But that awareness isn't complete if I'm not aware of myself. Knowing what you're gonna do, and knowing what your purpose is, only then one can be fully "awake" and aware.

You guys try it out. Just spend a time or two to listen. This is not a religion. Its a knowledge, inner science. There are countless of scientists who are doing research on it, spanning from 10,000 years back. Its a way to a peaceful self. =]

2009-01-30T23:31:00.003+08:00

Food pictures entry!

1st up will be my own cooking!

This is what we called "Lauk Lemak" or yellow curry, I think.

This is a hot favourite. Its called "Ayam Masak Merah" or chicken in red.

Now for the Indian Restaurant Apollo!

This is what they call Chicken Masalah. Its chicken marinated in their own curry gravy and spices.

This dish is called Prawn Masalah. Mind you, the prawn was perfectly cooked! Awesome shits.

This was the signature dish of the restaurant. CURRY FISH HEAD! Big as hell. Tuna fish.

A close up look on the main dish. Sorry for the blur pic! xD

Again just to show you how big these are.

And when you put them all together!
Tadaaaa! Served on a banana leaf. Bon appetit~!

2008-12-29T00:35:00.003+08:00

Interesting Xmas this year. My Malaysian friend, Alia, came over to Singapore with her family for the holidays. So they wanted to see Orchard road with its lights up, and of course, shopping. Its kinda disappointing this year. The lights and decorations weren't as great as last year. It's like totally "budget" decorations.

A friend of mine said, "The world is in recession.......... except Malaysians." I was like wtf? when he said that. But now I know why. The way my friend's parents spend on their shopping, it's scary. I mean like they're spending like there's no tomorrow or that the world is in its golden age or something. Prada, Guess, etc... you name it. But they don't look like that sort at all. Her dad's in denim jacket and jeans, which made him look like some normal Malay Uncle that lepaks in the coffee shop and her mom looks like any other fierce Malay lady. As for my friend, she dressed up like totally simple. Average Jane I might add. Interesting people.

So we walked around Orchard Road, ate at an Indonesian restaurant, watch the fountain of wealth, played with the koi fishes and more shopping.

So it was a lot of walking here and there, talking, shopping and pictures. Oh yah, pictures. Here's some of them. Kinda weird but they asked me to pose with them. >.<

The Xmas tree at Paragon

The Coca Cola Bottle Pyramid at The HereenThe decorations inside The Hereen

The Fountain of Wealth
And the Koi Garden

Yeap, these are some. Gonna miss ya Alia! I'll see you in May ya!? Take care of yourself!

PS: Er. I look like a tourist myself. Teehee

2008-12-21T23:42:00.002+08:00

Been busy as usual but I'm now addicted to reading up about the cosmos. Lol an old interest since young. Been reading a lot about the whatever there is to read. Be it black holes/quasars, novas, tachyons, star magnitudes, dark matter, planet X aka Nibiru, and so on and so for.

These stuffs are so huge, so far away, it makes us here on Earth look freaking tiny. Astronomers use Astronomical Units(AU) to measure distances. 1 AU is 93 million miles or 149598000km or the distance from the Earth to the sun. Pluto, the furthest ex-planet, is 39.5AU away from the sun. That's like almost 6 billion km away! Another unit that astronomers use to measure distance that are extremely far is to use Lightyears. That's the distance covered by light in one year, which is 300,000 x 31556926 secs (number of seconds per year) = almost 10 trillion km.

Now imagine this. The nearest galaxy that is similar to our galaxy, the Milky Way, a spiral galaxy is the Andromeda galaxy, which is 2million Light years away. So... you do the maths. Our own galaxy is about 100000 lightyears across. Yes, that's fucking huge! How can there not be life elsewhere?! You're talking about roughly 100 billion stars in one galaxy. Seriously, there are some other fucks out there looking up in the sky wondering where the fuck are we.

And you think it couldn't get any bigger, there's a blob like structure out there in space that's 200 million lightyears wide. Our Earth, about 12000km in diameters, the sun is 1.4 million km across, from sun to pluto is, 39.5AU, 6 billion km, from sun to the nearest star, proxima centuari, 4.3 light years, which is 39.9 trillion km away, our galaxy is 100,000 km across, which is 9.5×1017 km. So imagine the biggest fucking thing in the Universe is 200 million lightyears wide. THAT'S FUCKINGLY HUGE!

So that's the biggest thing. The furthest thing? Is at 13.2 billion lightyears away. Don't even think of how far is that. Its far beyond farrrr.. If you're traveling at the speed of light, 300,000km per sec, you'll reach there in 13.2 billion years.

So with all these huge, huge spaces, I can't help but be damn curious about it. What the heck is out there? We're so vulnerable that we can't go out there to space without being in danger of radiation. To see a black hole devouring nearby stars, to see quasars in the center of galaxies, to see humangous supergiant stars going off in supernovas, these are the magnificient things that I've been so curious and amazed of since I was young. Its just breathtaking to think about it.

*Random ramblings*

2008-12-16T01:23:00.003+08:00

....Let's see....

..A 3rd world India trip..

...A majorly important KL seminar event...

..30 OCBC branches..

...Stagmore Camp...

Now to stand back and take a look from the outside.... Hmmmm..ok...

I don't know if this is exciting, scary, fucked up or sad. Haha. It's like an addict saying "MORE! MORE! MORE!!!" not knowing that the drug's killing him.

Then again, it's a good drug, so why not have more?

"Have too much of something, even though its good for you, would turn out bad for you."

Have too much oxygen, you'll die. Have too much water, you'll die. Too much salt, you'll die. Oh well, better have something than nothing at all.

On the lighter side, my Malaysian and Brunei friends are coming here! Hoho. A special food tour for them! Hehehe. This is gonna be some fun shits. Oh and not forgetting the Aussies next year! Damn I need to start making plans to travel!

2008-11-30T21:57:00.004+08:00

Well then. My friend's out of town to India from some investment meeting and so the company is left under my charge. Busy as hell. I understand how is it like to be a boss/supervisor.

The responsibilities are on you and if you don't do it, no one else would and that would mean bad business. I went to work on Saturday, full day, yes full day, from morning till afternoon doing standby and training in the morning and paper works in the afternoon till evening. In this short period of time, I've done quotations, invoices and handing over certs, board meetings, schematic drawing, DSP programming and scheduling. Not to mention hands on work. 5-in-1. Lol I was so busy that I didn't notice how heavy of a smoker I've become. Before I know it I was outside smoking my next cig. Gosh.

And I'm not complaining about these new found responsibilities. I've always yearn to do something that takes advantage of multitasking. The "CS days" hunger is back. A goal set to achieve.

Oh anyway, here's the all tidied up office of mine. Just a small office, nothing much to expect from it, but its good and comfy enough to do work.

My workplace. Ignore the pink chair please.

And the rest of the office. Small yes.

Yup, that's it. Just a place to work and rest. Its nice the way it is now. Hopefully to make it nicer in the future. No longer work, more like, something to do everyday.

2008-11-26T22:49:00.002+08:00

Finally, had a break from the rush. Went out to meet up with Fi and Mich for dinner at yet another new place called "Hook-ed!", Upp Thomson.

Cool place.

So we had salman "tapas"
Whatever that means.

Some mushroom soup

Scallops

Fish pie. Yummy.

Fi's main course.
It looks damn tempting la.

Mine's looked like an oversized curry puff.
But inside, its heaven.

Erm, Mich's main. Looks...well..spaghettish?

And of course, desserts! Huge waffles for each of us. Heeee.

So yeah. Lovely evening to end the day. Did catching up, and stories to share. Laughters here and there. We missed these outings, don't we? I know I did.

2008-11-17T23:33:00.002+08:00

After witnessing a few events the past few days at work and play, suddenly I'm rather skeptical of the future. I can't place it but I have to avoid or change something to make the future look brighter. My intuition tells me that something's amiss, that I'm doing something wrong, or rather I should be doing something better. But what is wrong or bad I don't know. Its kinda freaky when your intuition is rather accurate most of the times even though you want to believe that its not.

Guard the back, watch the front, cover the sides, they told me.

What about from above, under and inside? Whatever it is, it's making my senses sharper to observe, read and see through a person. The truth can sometimes be told without saying a word. Though sometimes, the words doesn't make sense.

2008-11-16T00:54:00.002+08:00

I was chatting with my cousin recently on the issue of getting married and having a child. I used to not want a child but after giving it a thought, I guess its ok to have one. I'd prefer a girl. So I went on to survey my married/engaged friends on their future plannings.

The ones that are married, warned me not to spend so much on the wedding, but spend it all on the honeymoon and the new home. Yes, a grand wedding is a once in a lifetime thing, but to spend thousands of dollars on one event and have none left is rather a waste if you ask me. I rather use that money go for a grand honeymoon, renovate my new house uberly nice, and if there's a baby coming, there's money left to sustain him/her. I remember the time when I was a little kid, 3-4yrs old, my dad actually make most of the furniture at home himself. Those times were rather hard on my parents. Another example is my friend. He spend 40k ringgit and another 15k SGD for his grand wedding. In the end, he had 7k left with an empty house. No money for furniture or renovations. Took him 2 long hard lived years to get back on track. He even asked his wife for abortion because they've decided that they won't be able to support the baby.

Money, money, money. Lol. I guess it evolves around just about anything.

On a lighter note, work's been good so far and again because of my age and my short 1 year experience, people just don't believe the work that I've done. Biasness.

Just wait and see...

2008-11-11T22:56:00.003+08:00

The world is a noisy place. It's so noisy that it's irritating at times. I can be very annoyed by noise. That's why I love the late nights. Where the noise is much lesser and it is more peaceful. Being alone in a quiet place is what I wish I could have. Stay in during the day when the noise reach its peak and come out at night where noise is lesser. I think it'd be cool to work at night. Being an owl and sleeps when everyone else is awake. Its just so damn noisy.

Maybe its just my ears. Or maybe I'm a quiet person. I hate noise. Noise makes me moody. Noise makes me irritated. Noise distracts me. Noise keeps me awake.

I wish to be living in my own place.

2008-11-02T01:44:00.002+08:00

Creativity is art.
Science is understanding.
Law is control.
Love is bonding.
Fear is survival.
Courage is honor.
Sadness is pessimism.
Happiness is success.
Anger is impatience.
Cruelty is madness.
Kindness is generosity.
Anxiety is uncertainty.
Jealousy is resentment.
Desire is obsession.

2008-10-31T05:01:00.001+08:00

Here I am lying on my bed blogging on my iPhone despite the fact that
my 1st day of work is tomorrow. Still wide awake. Thinking, thinking
of this feeling that i've been having for quite sometime. This unknown
feeling.

This feeling which I can roughly explain as confusion with a touch of
numbness. Sue might be right. I'm looking for love but it can't be
found. Neither am I rushing for it nor desperately in need of it. It's
more of a "want". Of course everyone wants to find their respective
love. The want to be loved and to love. I've seen it in couple's eyes.
And from the way they look, talk, feel, listen, etc. towards each
other, I can tell if it's love or infatuation. One who've tasted love,
would know what I mean.

So back to my feeling. In the past, I've learnt to differentiate love
and infatuation. Differentiate friendship love, family love, material
love, animal love. And of course, the love between Adam and Eve. Many,
many infatuation occured in the past. I'm extremely lucky to be loved
once and to love another twice. Imagine you trying this delicious meal
1st time in your life, the most delicious. Others were nice. Then, the
store you ate that delicious meal closed down. Don't you wanna find
another store that has the most delicious meal, like the one you've
tasted? It might be a different meal but it's still much more
delicious than the rest.

Well, I've looked high and low but I still couldn't find that dish.
For some reason unknown, after a long time, 2 years to be exact, I
still yearn for that dish. So the feeling that I'm having right now,
is confusion.

The only person that I felt most comfortable talking to, opening up
to, to joke with, to share thoughts, to create music, to be with, is
still her. 2 years no contact, no visual, and yet she's the only
person I've known that I felt most comfortable with. I've known many
people, met many faces. Nope, that feeling didn't resurface at all.
Just infatuations, strong friendship love or lust.

I still love Fizah, but it has evolved into a totally different kind
of love. One which I could not explain. And I still love you, one that
caused the most pain. Why? Aren't we humans suppose to have the
instinct to avoid, hate, fear the cause of the pain? Or make it go
away, get numbed by it? Isn't that logically the correct thing to do?
I'm confused.

Why is it that I subconsciously think of her everyday? Is there
something that remind me of her? No, I've gotten rid of everything.
How do we erase memories? My mind has a life on it's own. I'm not sad
or depressed by these thoughts. Nor am I hoping for anything. Or am I
sub-consciously wanting things to happen? What is it that my sub-
conscious mind up to?

With so many questions unanswered, that can only mean I am confused.
Unable to understand the cause, the logic, the feeling behind this
thoughts. 2 years has passed, the pain, sorrows, regrets have gone
away. But not the care, the love.

I just want to know...why......?

2008-10-26T17:46:00.002+08:00

Hoho. All geared up for the acoustic meeting next month. Been singing everyday and playing guitar. Just hope the rest are as hyped as I am, which I don't think so.

Parents quarreling can be very childish. Very, very childish. What the heck.

2008-10-10T23:35:00.003+08:00

Hoho. The love had spread! Wan and Gf is loving the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz. Its gonna be on the song list for the acoustic meeting.

Well, that said, I'm organising this acoustic meet up next month. Place will hopefully, weather permit, at the Padang. Hopefully my wrist would heal in time for me to organise it on the 1st of Nov, Saturday. So the plan will be something like this. Everyone who will be coming down will prepare a song list and give to me a week in advance. This is so that I could gather the lyrics and chords. Plus the song too for us to get used to the song before start playing. On the day itself, everyone will sing and play every song together. The guitarist will be anyone. It is encouraged to bring everyone's acoustics less those who can't play. But hey, that's not a reason for you not to sing. =)

Since there'll be couples, I'll be arranging something like a mini performance for all the couples attending. ;)

Its gonna be spreading the love in this meeting. I've got a side plan if everyone agrees to it. An acoustic meeting + bbq by the beach? Sounds great but will need everyone's confirmation early.

Please please please please..... gimme my left hand back!

___________________________________________________________________

On a side note, I organised this meeting is because I've got nothing to do and I'll die not doing anything. Its also to meet up with the peeps together. Its been some time since we all gather together. Actually, we've never really meet up all together before. I'm really hoping this will work out. COME ON! DON'T BE ANTI SOCIAL!

2008-10-02T00:58:00.003+08:00

Here's a song by Jason Mraz. Its called "Love for a Child". This is the type of songs that I'd love to compose. Lyrics, available. Music, no idea. I need help on these kinda stuffs and that's where the acoustic guitar and singing meeting I'm arranging will hopefully help.

There's a picture on my kitchen wall
Looks like Jesus and his friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?

By the pool last night, apparently
The chemicals weren't mixed properly
You hit your head and then forgot your name
And then you woke up at the bottom by the drain
And now your altitude and memory's a shame

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I like to believe it was all about love for a child

And when the house was left in shambles
Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass
Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
And they never check to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd love to believe it's all about love for a child

It was all about love...

2008-09-20T18:45:00.002+08:00

I feel cheated! How could you? Gah. Oh well...

I'm moving on, hopefully, to this new company, but still in the AV line, called Nete2 Asia. Two of Singapore's top AV men are inside and one of them offered me the job. If I do get in, I'll be the youngest project engineer. Lol.

The financial sector's hitting a bad turn currently. I don't know if I'm lucky or what but I was intending to go into that line. Another line I wanted to go to was the oil industry. Its not going well too. And coincidentally, when I send in my resume, it was then they suddenly halt all recruitment. Talk about coincidence. =/

So yeah, now I'm back in the AV line, but in a higher level. I guess this is the line for me then. The position I'll held if I get in will be Project Engineer (Sound system specialist). I was kinda surprise that the rest of the engineers didn't have a good background on sound, but they had a solid background on integrated AV/IT systems, which was what the company was focusing. But they're lacking in the pro-sound department which is dominated by my ex company and a few other companies.

Yup. I'll be doing sound again. I just wished they'd agree to pay the amount I'm asking. Oh well. Whatever it is, 3 years is the time span I have right now to achieve something that I've promised myself to achieve. 3 years. Seems a long way but it isn't.

2008-09-14T02:29:00.003+08:00

1 and a half weeks passed and still my wrist is hurting. This is becoming a nuisance. All because of shit IPPT. I'd love to migrate to another country as soon as I am able to. Its too damn boring here. The people are so sensitive and close-minded. The government is controlling every damn shit, which includes to what we want to say. Freedom? More like confined space.

Kids who want to express their creativity and talent are oftened faced with closed doors and obstacles that are obscene. A great example is this particular friend's friend of mine. Before his NS call up he was starting a business and doing well. NS called him up and his business was disrupted. In the end he had to start all over again and not doing AS WELL as he had 2 YEARS back. In fact, he's struggling now. To me its a waste of talent, time and effort. Not to mention the confidence lost and the loyalty to the country.

The particular old parenting thinking of study and study and study in schools to get your degrees in the usual categories is another obstacle. Yes, they care for your future, but most don't really care what you want to do. Therefore sometimes hidden talents are left undiscovered.

Possible places to go; Europe, the states and Aussie. Like a friend said, its a do or die action. We'll die in the end anyway, so why not make the death a little more interesting.

2008-09-10T00:05:00.002+08:00

What the fuck is this??

"Oh its the schematic of the place. Sorry la, my drafting no good."

This doesn't mean your drafting sucks. This just means that you don't give a fuck, don't know a single fuck, can't be fucking bothered, fucking lazy or just fucking dumb. This was done by an ENGINEER with a fucking DEGREE who dress up nicely in OFFICE ATTIRE, thinking he's the BIGGEST FUCK in the whole world.

Let me tell you why I'm so fucking pissed off. If you know me well, I hate to waste time, hate disorganised work and fucking hate people who pretend to be a damn fucking KING. And this is also a good example to show pure racism at work.

Imagine this. You're called to work and complete it ASAP. So you came to the work site. Everything seemed in place and ready for work to start. As usual, checking of equipments and work to be done, troubles that might arise. After just 15mins of checking, I just stop checking and sit on the floor playing my chatting MSN on my IPhone. 1 by 1 the problem arise and the missing equipments noted down. Not to mention new equipments that are required for the system to be whole.

Cables to be run. Our Mr. Handsome Engineer attend the site meeting where he was suppose to bring up matters and request to the main consultant on obstacles that may be needed to be handled by the other contractors. When we came in, everything was "done". Simple thing like asking the carpenter to provide us an opening for the cable to run through, which is common sense, and it was not done. I just felt like fuck care everything and sleep. Which I did for 15mins. In the end, the coordination work was done by us, cable pulling by us, re-designing the "schematic" by us.

This is why I don't wanna continue in this industry. And about the racism thing, this company hired someone like our Mr. Handsome Engineer, but reject good people like my friend who has 10years of working experience and knowledgeable. Why? Because he's a malay. As simple as that. That company has no malay workers. And they don't trust our work even though we've done a number of projects for them flawlessly. Sigh.

I should go to bed. Felt good just babbling out this bullshit.

2008-09-08T21:32:00.002+08:00

Oh boy. Went to the doc for check up. It's been 6 days since the pain came about. Went for an x-ray check and fortunately there's no fractured bones. Doc said my ligaments were strained therefore it'll take about 2 weeks to recover fully. The pain is unbearable at times so luckily doc gave me painkillers.

Gah. Guess there won't be any guitaring, drumming, gaming for awhile. Zz. This is gonna be a boring recovery.

2008-09-05T15:53:00.003+08:00

Here are the pics for the special dinner! =)

Death-by-chocolate is like the most awesome shit ever. 2 days passed and I can still recall the taste in my mouth clearly. Yes, that's how nice it was. Oh and the hari raya cake too. Hehe.

Nice place, nostalgic, memorable and happy. =)

We're always smiling and laughing each time we met. even though at times we talked about serious stuffs, the smiles and laughter are still there. Lets keep it that way. =)

And here's a cute pic drawn by a daughter of mine... so damn cute... awww..

=)

2008-09-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

Its been a great birthday. =) Last year's was great. This year was full of happiness. Really touched me deep inside.

Many thanks to
Fi
&
Michy
For organising something
simple
yet memorable
For my birthday.

I really appreciate it a lot and yes, I'm very very happy. Once again, thank you very much. I love you girls. =) You've no idea what that meant to me.

2008-08-30T01:05:00.000+08:00

My aunt just had a shoulder operation yesterday! Poor her... She fell in the bathroom and had a tendon tear(youch!) on her shoulder. =( Went to visit her today. Her hand will be slinged for 3mths till the muscle heals. And in the meantime she had to eat painkillers to soothe the pain. =(

But oh well, went over to her house to cook for her sliced fish soup! The least I could do. =/ Hope she likes it. Another of my aunt came over too. So as usual, mid age ladies meet up there'll be lots and lots of chit chatting till there's no tomorrow, even though they talked to each other like every other day. o.o I find that rather amazing.

Anyways! My younger bro got back his tests results!! Awww I'm proud of him. For a damn difficult English and Maths papers he gets abv 70% for both. Mind you he's only 8yrs old. I've got alot to say about him! Will post in the next blog entry. OH YES! I just found out he knows how to use a chopsticks, THE PROPER WAY! Lol! Uploading a pic of that!

That's for today folks! I've decided to spent my birthday at Hilton hotel's cafe with my 'daughter'. Quiet and peaceful! yay!

2008-08-29T01:30:00.002+08:00

Its the clean-my-room month and yes I'm cleaning and re-arranging my whole room. You have no idea how much dust accumulate at those hidden spots!

Hmm. Talk about hidden spots, there are hidden memories that I've found. Memories like during my army days. Those were fun. Lotsa pictures, short videos of silly us. Miss the guys.

Then its the nostalgic stuffs. Stuffs during my technical college years. Haha. DAMN I was a geek + nurt! Haha. To think of it, these were like.. 5 years old!

And lastly, memories of the heart. I found 2 letters. Letters that brings a smile to my face even till today. Reminds me what is it like to fall in love, and to be loved. Reminds me that I'm just a normal guy who yearns for love. I've never regretted being with you, no matter how much pain and suffering you've caused. All I know is that, for a moment in my life, being with you was the happiest moments of my life, and that you were my adorable little kitten. I'm keeping my only existing memory of love safely, hidden. =)

Ah emo shits outta way! MY BIRTHDAY'S COMING! But.. hmmm... I don't wanna have a big celebration. =/ I've cancelled the club outing that I've arranged like 6mths back. =x Maybe a small dinner at a quiet place with my close friends? Or bbq/cooking day? Or maybe just slacking somewhere with good cigs and music? Gosh.... wish someone would plan for me... Hehehe!

Ok! Enough babbling! Back to cleaning!

2008-08-27T23:27:00.002+08:00

Gah... Doc says try not to eat the usual amount of sugar the next few days, for the body to adjust to the new insulin that has been injected. Sheesh. It was the weakest days of my life! Plus fever, flu, sore throat. OMG! I was dead half of Saturday and the whole of Sunday. Monday felt freaking heavy, and Tuesday felt awfully cold. And finally, today I woke up feeling normal, though still kinda lethargic and sleepy. Zzz.

Don't you hate sleeping? I find it's a waste of time. Yes, we need rest but for 1/3 of our lives resting is sleeping? I wish we don't need to sleep. Won't it be nice? Think of the many things we can do in that 8-7 hours. Normally I'll sleep 5-6 hours, max 7. So much things to do. Bleah.

And yay, I've got another crush. So fun. Time to shoo the crush away. So fun... -.-

2008-08-25T00:07:00.002+08:00

Its wrong.. Very wrong. All of what had happened couldn't have happened at a much worse timing. 1 by 1, they are revealed. This keeps happening, soon there'll be nothing much left. What's the point? There's no point, just self preservation. Its all about one's importance and one's clique which shared or have an influence on one's views and perspective.

Sigh, there is a need for isolation to clear the mind of extremities of thoughts. It is best, at appropriate times, to be alone. Maybe for the sake of others, or maybe for the sake of oneself. The less interaction the less conflicts, the less conflicts the more happiness.

2008-08-19T04:46:00.002+08:00

Oh gosh. Its 445am and I'm reading a, here goes, Japanese romance book! Yes, you've read it right. I'm reading romance. Sadly, the book was the sad romance type. Kinda similar to Romeo & Juliet theme; 1 couple, thorn between two sides of a clan, not destined to be together.

Its about the Shinobis back in 1618. Two clans that just can't get along with each other. So yeah fight fight here and there at the same time "Romeo" and "Juliet" are confused about themselves. So in the end "Romeo" had to sacrifice himself to make "Juliet" plea to Mr. Tokugawa to stop the destruction of their village. To convince the Emperor, "Juliet" poked both her eyes(ouw) with her fingers and beg for him to stop the army from destroying the village.

So yeah I'm summarizing it down as un-romantically as I can. This story actually made me teared. Gosh.... And I like the book. Well, I guess I found a new liking; reading romance books.

Spread the sibeh love peeps.

2008-08-14T03:16:00.003+08:00

First to get the food...
Then made our way down
Got caught in a silly jam on the way...

The dumb-dumb cab driver took a super long way! *blah*

The weather was great
The breeze blew
The sun was up
Walked around a bit

We found a nice shelter to settle down

And started preparing our make shift pit!

Setting up the fire...
The guys always get bullied to do this.

All the yummy food we bought!
Not too bad for a last min thing...

After much much effort....

The fire got going and we were ready to cook!

Simple but yummy!

We cook and cooked some more!

And the food turned up mighty yummy-liously looking!!

"Wah... SibeH Golden brown!"
(Our joke)

And surprisingly we were had entertainment too...

So random la....

Yummy food
Great company
Lots of small talks
Stories to share
And nice music playing....

We ate and ate and ate....
Everything was just enough

And we were satisfied!

And then to carry on in line with the random theme of today....

The ladies took many random shots....

The ladies climbed a random tree....

The ladies scream their random frustration to the sea!

Let all the unhappiness out!!

And focus on what makes you happy!

I hope you're feeling better now. =)
"That's what friends are for..."

2008-08-08T02:23:00.002+08:00

Phrase of the year.

"SIBEYYY GOLDEN BROWN!"

Thank you. =)

PS: "Y" in the "sibe" for added Kao-ness.

2008-07-24T00:18:00.003+08:00

And there goes my 1st riding practical. Fun. Having this stupid psychomoto problem. I guess everyone has it in the 1st place ya? Anyway all goes well and I've learn 2 modules in one day in one lesson. Cool.

Having said that, slow and steady, soon I'll be riding. And goodbye buses, taxis, MRTs + all the smelly people who just couldn't be bother to BATHE in the morning. =)

2008-07-14T23:50:00.002+08:00

4 powers of nature held by 4 keepers.
Earth, wind, fire, water, elements of life.
The powers within binds them together,
to each of its keepers the elements are governed.

May thee not bestow their wrath,
for a thousand strikes of lightning,
is but a mere flick of the breeze,
compared to the full force of an earthquake.

For eternity the curse have been upon them.
to serve life itself on the planet.
Billions of years past of total isolation.
entertainment comes with mankind and its curiosity.

Legend says of Gods from the heavens ruling nature.
Science portray of energy circulated through laws.
Religion keeps most blind and dictate.
Truth is far from real, stupendous.

Watching and waiting quietly, angered,
the keepers watched as these pests,
pollute and destroy the lands with their greed,
spreading the sins wherever they breed.

Heed the calling of the keepers,
for only peace and tranquility are asked.
A simple request from the higher beings;
High beings they are, for simplicity to them,
an ocean of complications for us.

2008-07-13T02:41:00.002+08:00

It's 3 am in the morning and suddenly I felt like writing. Here's something that totally, randomly came out of my mind and onto my finger tips. Guess what is it about.
___________________________________________________________________

Pouring rain falls upon the lands,
Bewitching view across the plains,
As the distorted view blinds the seeker,
Lightning flash giving sight.

The day darkens as noon approaches,
Like a majestic choir of demented souls,
the winds sang the songs of anonymity,
A mystery kept by nature revealing none.

The cold hard droplets fell on her skin,
a sensuous feeling with every drop,
neither the cold nor the roar of thunder shudders her,
for the trance of rain embraced her.

Such wrath, such chaos, such pleasure.
For which it brings life to this land, unmeasured.
a moment of darkness for light and beauty to exist.
the balance of nature, the balance of life.

Death awaits those who neglect her power.
For when she strikes, mercy is rarely demonstrated.
She brings life, she'll take them at will.
respect she commands, obeisance you shall.

___________________________________________________________________

I wish I can write like this at will.

2008-07-07T01:00:00.002+08:00

Mi name Fie, man. Bradda, sista made I an I tired, man. Bashment all di while, night slamming nice. Ooman nice, man. I an i go sleep. Mi link yu up layta, seen? Night, ma bradda. One love.

2008-07-02T01:16:00.002+08:00

I've done something that I must say I'm damn proud of it. The Eisen Guard's 1st ever studio recording of our 1st original, Mistress Of The Wolves, were recorded in our very own silent jamming studio, edited, mixed, balanced and normalized ourselves.

Yes. EVERYTHING. OURSELVES. And I'm damn proud of it. Something I love to do and now I've got something that I can call my own. Will post it on after I'm fully satisfied by it.

Other updates, I'm done with work. Nothing can change my mind to turn back on what I've decide. 1st part of my plan is already in place. Now we'll just sit back and see the dominos fall, 1 by 1.

2008-06-27T22:08:00.003+08:00

I'm gonna die in this current project. They're gonna kill me here. I won't be able to complete this on time. I'm going down.

But I'll go down with style and not without a fight. Its a bad thing to fucking pissed me off.

Just wait and see... Just wait and see... Laugh now. We'll see who'll laugh last.

2008-06-17T22:18:00.002+08:00

Rejoice, love, for you have enlightened me.
Renounce love, and I can cause you no pain.
Cry for me, and let your tears fall like rain.
Sing to me, what your heart wants me to see.
Dream and imagine how you'd want us to be.

Pray every night that your love is not in vain.
Desire the strength to keep your mind sane.
Bear this, as I have, but to a higher degree.
Look, my love, at what you've brought unto me.

Understand that it is you I care for.
Come to me for you are my foundation.
Discover that you have made me anew.
Comply to my everlasting love
or I shall never rid this infatuation.

So grand eh? MACIAM ONLY! Kthnxbye

2008-06-10T23:48:00.003+08:00

I've gotta admit. I love stress. I love pressure. But then again, it takes in a lot of my time and energy to keep doing it. I can't force myself to say "No, I can't do that" "No, I don't want to do that"
whenever a task is given to me. Lets face it, I'm not the kinda guy who likes to disappoint people. Most of the time, that is taken advantage of.

With all the work that is coming up, I feel that I'm wasting my time. Wasting my effort and ideas. Wasting my youth. Sometimes I would love to just kick everything aside, locked myself in a room and just be alone doing my own things, alone. In Beijing, I had my moments of solitude everyday after work in my own hotel room. Living alone. Quiet, peaceful, comfortable, with my laptop and Ipod. I missed that feeling most.

People say its life when it comes to cheating, lying, backstabbing, etc. All the politics, all the gossips. Can't a few people just work together and be happy while working? What is wrong with people? And ironically, those lying bastards are mostly the successful ones. If there's a God, he just loves the bad guys. Being nice won't get you filthy rich, says a magazine tabloid. Its true in a way. And most people want to be filthy rich. So you got many not nice people out there trying their best to be THE filthy rich bastard, no matter what the consequence.

Ah damn it, Fie. Enough with the nagging. Tiredness multiplies the emotions 5 fold. Time for my sleep.

2008-06-02T01:14:00.001+08:00

I'm back! And I missed China already. =(

Anyway! Pictures will be up soon! Kinda lazy, although there aren't much pics. =x Hehe. So since I'm back...

WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR!? IT'S PARTY TIME!!! =D

2008-05-17T00:35:00.004+08:00

Alo peeps! I'm blogging from Beijing! Gosh, its just amazing here! Although its dusty and stuffs, I'm just enjoying myself with the new culture, people, working life and entertainment! 1st night and I've already tour the clubbing scene. Bar St. A whole stretch of pubs and clubs!

Went to 'China Doll'. Mid age people there. Chill out place. Since I'm a rarity there (hehe), people try to talk to me in uber broken english! But there are a few of them who can speak quite well (and they're girls! Hehe x2). Made a few friends. Gonna check out the Zouk of Beijing next! Suzie Wong! Hoho. It's just getting started people! Here's some of the random pics! Didn't get to take much coz my phone's low on batt! DAMN...

There's LAU PA SAT HERE IN BEIJING?! WTF? MEE SIAM!

HAINANESE CHICKEN RICE?!!

Hehehehehehehehehehehehe.

My cosy hotel! ALL TO MYSELF! MUAHAHAHA!

My fav seat, behind the wing.

The new Beijing Airport. Opened just a month

A random picture of Beijing's streets.

More pics coming up soon!!

2008-05-15T00:22:00.002+08:00

Hmmm. 1 more thing before my trip to Beijing.

ANIMALS! *HINT HINT* Heh

Oh and..
Yes, yes, I'll take care, but if there's a freaking earthquake in my area I am jolly well gonna experience it first hand!!!! Wooohooooo!

Life's too short to worry about every damn thing! =D

2008-05-12T22:41:00.001+08:00

Going to China soon! Gonna be alone and missing you guys! Take care and see ya!

2008-04-28T01:01:00.003+08:00

Hoho. Some random stuffs to blog about.

Firstly, I'm very happy to say that, I SAVE A LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOOOHOOOO!

Well, its a baby bird, its life too! It fell from the nest at a project site that I was working at. Poor thing. It was shivering when the cold breeze blew at it. It was raining that day. So I placed it back to its nest! =D Yay!

Poor birdie.

Secondly, I've got a true before-after picture of myself. Wanna see?

Tada! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =D

3rd, WEDS(30/4) NIGHT PARTY!! Wooohooo! Can't wait to let loose again before my trip! More people! I want more people to come! Shall psycho the quiet ones! >=D Heh!

Lastly, wondering what trip I'm going on? Read these words; "Hard Rock Cafe", "Sound System", Beijing, "Best soundman in SG", and cheap shit shopping!!!! YESSSSSSSSS! I AM GOING TO CHINA SUCKERS! And being paid to do so too. =D I wonder how is it like.. CAN'T WAIT! ROAR!

So that's all! Lots of shit, means good shit. So its time to sleep shitheads! Or you'll feel shitty later!

2008-04-23T23:29:00.002+08:00

Update to the song! Changed the lyrics and the song's direction abit. Hmm. I'm missing something here.. The chord progression that I used doesn't seem to tally to the singing. Neither here nor there.... Oh well, I'll come up with something! =D And many more on the waiting list!

Here's the updated version with chords. Still have the bridge that I'm trying to piece together. And as usual, my songs start off with plucking. =)

When I'm here alone

G C
When I'm here alone,
Am D
I looked at our pictures and smile.
G C
Those were the beautiful past,
Am D
a slice of time in a picture, a memory of love.

It warms me inside,
thinking of the way you hug me.
The ever present joy,
all the happiness around me, of being in love.

CHORUS
C D
So carry me,
G Em
To the moon in the sky!
Am
Let all those people
D
turn green away,
G
our love divine.

BRIDGE
???

When I'm here alone..

2008-04-22T00:01:00.002+08:00

Hmmm. I should keep my thoughts to myself more nowadays.

Anyway, time to separate myself from all distractions! I'm in song writing mood now! With ideas and riffs flowing in my crazy mind. Darlings Dez'ray and E'lise, sorry for not spending time with you much. Will be doing it more often in the next few weeks! =D

Mood theme for my songs are gonna be love/happy songs. Maybe a few fantasies here and there. But mostly, the kinda modern rock/pop sounding. Maybe I'll try a little Muse, Peterpan type of music. We'll see what comes out. >=D

Here's the 1st of them all. Lets think of Lifehouse, Nickleback, and a bit of Hinder for the way it is suppose to be played.

When I'm here alone in my crib,
I looked at our pictures and smile.
Those were the beautiful past,
a slice of time in a picture.

It brings a warm fuzzy feeling,
thinking of the way you hug me.
The ever present joy,
of being loved.

CHORUS
So carry me,
To the moon in the sky!
Let all those people turn green away! hey hey
Take me,
away from reality into your arms,
like heaven embracing me.

BRIDGE
All the stress and all the fears,
all the anger, go away!
Get the fuck, out of my head!

When I'm sitting here alone,
feeling lost and stoned.
And you is all I ever ask, for!

When I'm here alone...

2008-04-14T21:12:00.002+08:00

Hmm. Ok enough random posts. Lets catch up. =)

Where shall I start? There's too many! Hmm.

Ok. Life's been great! Lets take into consideration of my working life but yeah, life's been great! People have been great too. =) Met new friends. Party with old ones. Dated long lost friends. So much stuffs been happening around, I kinda lost track of time! Before I knew it, days past like hours and weeks past like days. Patience, being positive and just being plainly sensitive and understanding is the best recipe for a smooth and happy life. After such a long time of searching and looking, I've come to the realization that life isn't about searching for one's meaning, one's purpose. Life's already asking us, what is our meaning?

The meaning of life defers from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment. To put the question in general terms would be comparable to the question posed to a chess master; What is the best move in the world? There is simply no such thing as the best or even a good move apart from a particular situation in a game the particular personality of one's opponent. The same goes for human existence. One should not search for an abstract meaning of life. Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.

As each situation in life represents a challenge to man and presents a problem for him to solve, the question of the meaning of life may actually be reversed. Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible for his own actions.

Just a short detail on something I believe deeply and has truely change the way I look at everything, at life. =)

2008-04-06T02:25:00.003+08:00

MOS crowd is dead! Its boring there! Totally boring. With all the mats and minahs plus the bengs and bitches. Ugh... Boiler Room anytime babe!

And yah, to go clubbing =! drink till you talk nonsense, keep falling down, keep repeating stuffs that's just been said and falling asleep. Its worrying to be a nanny to a whole group of drunkards you know!

Never a dull moment, although I'm taking care of big overgrown drunk babies! =D

2008-04-02T00:48:00.002+08:00

The moment I see your face,
I went breathless.
Never before have I witness,
such beauty and fairness.

Your smile is dazzling.
Your lips are alluring.
Your eyes are hypnotizing.
Your skin is flawless.

Your wink is coquettish.
Your singing is mesmerizing.
Your laughter is adorable.
Your stare is infinite.

Your friendliness is an aptitude.
Your mischievous character is just plain naughty.
Your happiness is the world's joy.
Your sadness is black and white.

Words can only portray so much.
A tiny bit of the huge picture.
A perfect picture no one knows exist.
Where I secretly admire, never fail to be charmed.

Damn it, she's gorgeous, this breathtaking lass.

2008-03-25T00:20:00.002+08:00

Happiness could not be pursued. Instead, it must be ensue. =)

I missed you already

2008-03-16T03:11:00.004+08:00

As the journey begins, one would expect obstructions to block their paths. Obstructions, though problematic to overcome, make life beautifully complicated. A game of choice one would say. Decisions, decisions. Responsibilities, selflessness. Ingenuity, inept. It would be much to complicated for one to understand in a lifetime.

The everlasting quest to search one's true meaning of life. We share the same quest, but different directions. Is it not in substance that the meaning of our lives, are to live it to its fullest? The term "live it to its fullest" has a rather complex meaning. Fullest to some people might mean to be closer to God. Another might mean financial success, and another might mean just having plain fun while we can. Different goals, different targets, same meaning.

We humans are greedy beings. We're not gonna be satisfied with a half full cup. Face it, no one would want to half a half full cup than a full one, if he or she is given a free choice. As we all know, there aren't many full cups out there and people are just rushing to get a cup of their own. This is why we are still primitive and barbaric.

Everyone bears the responsibility of something in his or her life. To be responsible for each one's actions. Not to blame, not to fight. Actions will create consequences and these consequences are usually not carried upon the person's shoulder with full responsibility. It should all be too much for a young adult or teenager to fully understand, therefore they can't take the blame for not being able to understand.

Sometimes I do wonder why some people choose a certain path in their life instead of another. Did they know what they chose? Or are they just blindly walking on it? Or are they lured to it? A person's character would be most likely shaped by his or her childhood. Did angry people have a wrath past behind them? Did happy people have a fun and enjoyable past? I guess it does accumulate to a certain percentage of effect, though deep down I believe it isn't always true.

Some past memories are worth pondering about, others better forgotten, a few to treasure and 1 to keep inside our hearts. What is the one thing that is so important? Well, non other than the love from our loved ones.

What else could be more important than that? =)

2008-03-08T00:46:00.002+08:00

Its been a rather tiring and fucked up week and I rather not rant about it.

Oh well, look on the bright side, at least I can still smile. And many thanks to a certain someone who makes me smile whenever I think of her. =)

Such a short time, yet its amazing, the power of the spell that you've cast on me. Though thoughts of you remain in my mind, my thoughts, it never fails to make me smile. I hope I could gave that in return, always making you smile.

Gosh, you have no idea how much I wanna see you again. You just have no idea. =)

2008-02-25T02:21:00.002+08:00

Zzzzzzz. I slept my Sunday away. Gosh. Its been quite some time since I did that. No, I don't feel refresh. I feel I wasted my time. Bleargh...

Anyway! At least I have a relaxing weekend. Composing, napping and listening to good music all day on my new sound system. Yup. =) Calm down the hyper-ness and bring out the rejuvenated Fie.

So lets now sing along to this song, sang by my favourite Japanese singer, written by a legend in music, brought to me by a moment of love in my life. Enjoy. =)

Song called "Fly me to the moon"

2008-02-20T00:41:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've noticed something. I'm very much a happy person and it seems not even my sucky project that I'm working on can pull this mood down, and I can't really understand why. I'm working in an extremely dusty, hot and humid, messed up place, and yet somehow I can remain smiling and joking around. And when I meet up with my friends, its like the happiness is spreading like a disease, except to some negatively charged people.

The equation goes like this:

Happy people + Happy people = FUN!

Happy people + Grumpy people = Happy people feel trapped

Happy people + Emo people = Happy people feel cheery

Happy people + Crazy people = FUN!

Happy people + Angry people = Happy people feel scared/embarrassed

Happy people + Sad people = AWW HUGS!

Happy people + "act" Cool people = Don't see eye to eye

Happy people != Cute people

Happy people + Cute people = Lots of high pitch sounds

Happy people + Irritating/Annoying/insensitive people = Happy people/Sad people = Happy people might get sad

Happy people + Proud people = Happy people will have lots of fake "Hehe"

Happy people + normal typical Singaporean = Normal typical Singaporean will think happy people is crazy

So since everyone loves to have fun, therefore, people will tend to go to the people they find they had the most fun with. So in most cases, its hard to actually get the right formula, even though it may seem right from the outside. Vise versa, it may seem wrong on the outside but on the inside its very right! So yeah, lets all be happy and put our negative sides away and just have fun.

We're getting older and since we don't have much free time anyway, might as well we ignore the bad stuffs, ya? Spread the happiness!

PS: Michy! I need to dance more! Shall we go clubbing soon again???? Call the rest! =D

2008-02-14T00:53:00.003+08:00

Look at the stars!
They're shining ever so brightly tonight.
Hold my hand,
and we'll run across the plains.

The taste of night breeze,
so sweet and icy.
Shout out loud!
Shout your heart out!
Lets be crazy and roll around on the grass!

The stars are bouncing away,
as we ran down the hills.
They're having fun too!
Smiling away, laughing away, singing away.

Phew, that's tiring!
Lets lie on the soft grass.
The moon's looking at us, all alone,
envious of our companionship.

I looked into your eyes,
and the way you smile back at me.
"Poor, lonely Mr. Moon!",
And we laugh our hearts out!

=) I'll always wanna make you smile!

2008-02-08T02:12:00.000+08:00

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy!!!!!!!

I'm so happy!! =D

2008-02-07T02:01:00.000+08:00

There are things that I don't mind sharing with people, and there are things that I just don't want to share with people. My personal stuffs particularly. Annoyingly, people are invading into that space of mine and that really annoys me a lot.

They're not valuable in terms of price. They're valuable because they're just unique to me.

I wish I have my own space, my own haven to be alone from everyone. Just me, my guitar, my mac. How I yearn for privacy.

2008-02-05T23:00:00.000+08:00

BUSYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Roar..

For 2 weeks, I've been coming home after 10. Roar.. I've even dreamt of cables for goodness sake! What the heck! I dreamt I was walking through this thick cable jungle (yes, THAT bad). Then, when I wanted to hunt for food I used the cables as camouflage. And when I was about to strike the CABLE cow/chicken/fish animal, I suddenly woke up.

Which person in the right state of mind would dream that way?!!?!?

Talk about dreams, that's the 1st dream I had after a long, long time. Sometimes I wonder why am I not dreaming. Sleeping felt so quick to me. It felt just a second after I closed my eyes and I'm back up again, although 6 hours have past. I wished I could dream more. Be in fantasy land, living a fantasy world. Or just a nightmare! It'll be thrilling! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... The last few dreams I had was totally, uber boring. Lemme tell you a few.

1) Going into the kitchen to drink orange juice.
2) Going to sleep
3) WAKING UP! I DREAMT OF WAKING UP! WHAT THE F**KING F**K IS THAT?!
4) Plucking my leg hair. -.-

Yes, these are my dreams. How boring are they?! Sheesh.

Fie, you're just wrong. That's what Yk would say. -.-c

2008-02-03T20:30:00.001+08:00

The weekend's almost over and I don't think it is wasted one bit.

WE, THE HAPPY PEOPLE OF SINGAPORE, PLEDGE OURSELVES TO BE HAPPY!

Don't you just love "family" outings? Heee. =D

2008-01-31T00:40:00.000+08:00

Lemme show you what happened when boredom/stress/frustration could do to you.

Can you see anything wrong in this picture?? (Hint: Ghostly)

And the sniper awaits his target.

Its really that comfortable.

Leftovers.. AND I MEAN ALL OF 'EM! MUAHAHAHA! *Evil laughs*

"He gets up to sneak up on his victim and... WAH HEAVY HEAVY! AIYAK!!!"

We're getting crazier each day I can tell you that. =)

2008-01-28T00:58:00.001+08:00

Words are no more than just mere illusions and emptiness. They're meaningless without actions. Truth be told not by stories of words, but actions through sacrificial, dedication, motivation. Nevertheless, through greed, selflessness, impulsion.

We are blinded by the words that we and other people portray everyday in our lives. Such words are powerful deceptions that obstruct our thoughts and instinct. Sadly, for most cases, emotions tend to multiply the power of these deception and unintentional lies into our hearts, where it would strike the worst. It is so powerful, that words could change everything that we believe and loved and turn it around. The usage of words and ways of portraying it, can be use as the ultimate weapon of control, or the ultimate medicine of healing.

I've learn and still learning. Learn a lesson that could not be taught, nor can it end. Lessons that have been shown to me, by my own eyes, through actions in reality, in the very world that we live in.

The lesson that I'm learning for a very long time, and more to go; A lesson to understand life and its complexity.

2008-01-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

Ok i'm too caught up and engrossed with work that I'm starting to forget my promises and my share.

Made a promise to Sebas that we'll go watch Club 8's performance at the Esplanade earlier today and I totally forgot about it. I was completely lost in terms of time and date that I thought today was the 17th or something and that 23rd was next week. Gosh I was so damn blur. Well at least we met up and had dinner at NYDC. Quite some time since we last met and chill.

I've been working for quite sometime and suddenly I realised that I don't have enough money. Was thinking where had the money disappeared to when it struck me. I've been working freelance with my uncle for 2 months plus and have not been paid. 1000 bucks mind you. And this trip to KL next month needs that 1000 bucks. Again, too engrossed.

Oh by the way, this trip to KL, I'm escorted by 5 wonderful Ukraine dancers. How nice. =D

I have a reason to be so engrossed and concentrated about work. Take a look at the pictures and you'll understand.

That's a day's of work.

Cables....

And cables......

And more cables!!!

We call it "Aliens".

And well, that's a day's work. JUST ONE DAY! And we do it for everyday for the next two weeks.

Scary shit eh? Roar. Oh anyway, I'm proud to say that I'm the 1st ever guy to "perform" in Lasalle-sia's theater, by singing a song off tune! =D Had it on video and NO WAY I'm posting it here. Heheeee

2008-01-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

Bohemian Rhapsody.

I love this song. Fucking love this song...........

Its a song about AIDS. Meaningful. An ingenious creation of music at its highest quality. Please, do have a listen.

2008-01-15T01:08:00.000+08:00

So many things to do, so little time.

I've been thinking, I've always wonder what is happening with the people that I've lost contact with. From primary school till NS. If I could stop time, I would love to find everyone that I was close with in the past and do some catching up. So many new friends in such a short time, its kinda hard to catch up with the old ones. Heck, I just found out someone whom I was close to last time is getting married soon! I'm getting old.

Well, at least I still look young. Heh. My mum said I looked younger than my younger brother, who's 18. Cool eh? Heh. No wonder I can't get J***'s attention. Damn, I'm into older women. =x Oh well, maybe someone's my age with the same interests would be good. And maybe, just maybe, I find her cute. Or is it just maybe I've something with girls and instruments? Its cool. Oh shattap, Fie. You and your excuses.

Oh and another thing is..... This is an important matter. Recently, a handful of friends started calling me mummy/momi. Though it sounds wrong, I find kinda cute when they go "Momiiiiiiiii =D". So if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Momi Fie. Very wrong. And while I typed that, my bro gave an irritating laugh in his sleep. I get the point. -.-c

Maybe that's why I have lots of female friends. I've this feminine side of me that could easily goes well with normal girls (I meant girls that are bubbly type, not those classy/bitchy/minah/emo). Actually, I don't really get it why some people couldn't accept it when we get all bubbly and cheery. Say its childish, cheesy, etc. Its good to be happy and smiling, ya?

Hmm. Take a look at what I've just blogged down. I tell you, I have a very fickle thinking. Can't concentrate on thinking about 1 certain subject. It'll flow out of control. Hence, I can't really focus well. Oh well, what to do. At least it helps me to multi-task easily. Heh. Boo Bah

2008-01-08T20:41:00.001+08:00

Been shopping in my own company for the guys. Here are your goodies peeps. Hope I can pass you guys on Saturday's jamming.

Iskhandar's Beta 58A, the best the world could offer.

Wan's AKG 81 cans. Heh

And Yk's connectors. They aren't ordinary connectors, trust me.

I feel like Santa Claus on Saturday, except this Santa accept cash only. Heh.

2008-01-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

I lied, and lied, and lied, and lied...................

And I lied...

2008-01-06T13:09:00.000+08:00

And they're off back to Manila. The Boss Band, the 1st band that I've ever took care off as an official soundman, went back home after a year playing in Singapore.

Although I've only took care of them for 2 months plus, somehow it makes me so attached to them. I know what they want, what they need every time they perform. A little highs for this singer, cut the high mids on another. Last night was their last night performing. During the last set, they dedicate a list of songs to everyone that they've known, from the staffs there to their closest friend to the regular customers. The last song just brought tears to almost everyone's eyes. Everyone's singing along together. Its their night for once. After the set's ended, the band went around saying their goodbyes and hugs. They're off to Manila on Monday.

Wish them all the best and good luck in their musical carrier. Hopefully we'll meet again in the future. I'm more then glad to be able to take care of the sound for such a talented band and would be more than wiling to do that again. I'll miss you guys.

2008-01-02T00:25:00.001+08:00

I'm sure everyone has this feeling before. Looking from a far at the person you like, and you can't do anything about it. How adorable/cute/sexy/charming/whatever that person is, and all you can do is admire from a far, knowing the cruelty that you can't have him or her.

All the while you do that, at the same time you're actually fighting with yourself to abolish this feeling, this human phenomenon that kept us distracted from our daily lives. The advices that we get from people is to go and give it a try, express your feelings. Yah, that's easy, just need a little courage and push. But rarely do people advice us on the thing that we needed most - the outcome. So we know how to take the 1st step. Although the saying "1st step is the hardest", I take it as an exception that for this matter, the 2nd step is the hardest. Don't you agree?

That is what I think that keeps us back from approaching such a person. Lack of confidence on taking on the 2nd step. Cause of lack of confidence? Its either we don't have experience, we are afraid of the negative outcome or we just don't know what to do. Bleargh.

She's so adorable, so damn cute. So confused and unsure. So bubbly, yet demure.

Its rather weird why I actually fall for you. Ironically, I rather not to.

I'm going against feelings and with logic on this.

I need someone who understands me. You, I'm afraid, would find it hard to do that.

I need someone who could cover me with warmth, a woman's comfort. From the way my friends and I see it, you're still a girl.

Lastly, I need someone who I could share my infinite thoughts with. A thought for you is more than what you could take.

So logically, you're not meant for me. Logically, things won't work out. Logically, I shouldn't even have any feelings for you, I should rather stay away from you.

Somehow, what I'm doing now defies this logic. Humans are damn stubborn and defiant species.

2007-12-20T11:45:00.000+08:00

Pain Vanquished

The blackness of chronic pain is a consistent constraint,
Upon what is laughingly referred to as normal life.
Normality descends into abnormality, your cries too faint
To be heard, as Pain wields his long-bladed knife.

You become battle weary, as your struggle to combat
The Mighty Pain goes on, your arsenal is replete
With medication and creams, he plays tit for tat,
With side effects you would never wish to meet.

Just when you have all but given up the fight,
And taken to your bed, wearily accepting defeat.
She appears, a Florence Nightingale, a bringer of light,
Promising to soon have you back on your feet!

She cajoles and nurses you week by week,
More drugs to overcome the side effects
And solutions to your problems she will always seek,
Standing beside you, being the shield that deflects,

All of Pain’s intentions to render you quite senseless.
You begin to see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.
A way out of the penetrating pain and tiring distress,
Finally a way to scale Pain’s towering gunwale.

Escape to a welcome freedom, to be part of daily life,
To return to work, to be a participant in the team.
Pain which, has been the bane of one’s life,
Consigned to the background, not prominent, not seen.

Oh yes, he still tries to creep under the net of morphine,
To drag down to the depths, enlivened limb and bone,
But he is vanquished at every turn, no longer supreme.
He is defeated, banished forever, he leaves me alone.

So I am out of the darkness and into the shining light,
Life no longer such an uphill struggle, joy partaken.
As my nurse promised, worthy of all the fight,
Control of my life, wrestled free and retaken!

2007-12-12T00:12:00.000+08:00

Looking back at the pictures that I took in Taiwan, I remembered how much I missed that place. Its so beautiful in a way and the freedom is something I've never felt before. And I missed the people that I spent my time there with; my campmates.

When we're in the army, we can't wait to ORD. Now that we already did, we're missing that togetherness dearly. When I met up with some of the guys, we suddenly have nothing to say. We only felt something inside. The feeling of meeting up with someone you've spent 1 and a half years together in the same room and place doing the same things, going through the same shit. I can't describe it. Its just a great feeling.

When I look at every one of the pictures, it just makes me remember how it happened, where, when. Exactly how it is, as if it happened just last week. The laughters and sweat that we shared together. I missed them a lot.

From the navigation exercise in Taiwan, to the slacking in bunk and street soccer matches at Maju Camp, I remember everything; how it felt like. There's nothing more evident of the brotherhood of our platoon than during our platoon training and exercises and the Taiwan trip. Although we had our differences and dislike, whenever someone is down, there'll always be someone else that will lend a hand. And everyone in the platoon has the same mindset.

Walking 46km, around Taiwan for navigation isn't funny but with the right people, laughing together and trust with the navigators, the exercise isn't daunting at all, ITS FREAKING FUN. We're tired but we kept our spirits up by joking around and laughing. I missed that feeling. The trust, the laughters and the care for each other. Its almost the same now at the workplace but somehow its different. Although Army sucks and still does take away our youth, living together with strangers taught us and created something that we can never learn or get anywhere else.

It'll sound kinky but it does makes sense. We all learned and developed the spirit of brotherhood. Something not many people can do, but we did, all 21 of us.

2007-12-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

And suddenly, I'm a proud owner of a Macbook Pro and an Xbox 360. Life's just getting better. =)

2007-12-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

Some old flames from the past. Love this song. One of the few songs that really brings out the emotions in you.

She's Gone - Steel Heart

She's gone,
Out of my life.
I was wrong,
I'm to blame,
I was so untrue.
I can't live without her love.

In my life
There's just an empty space.
All my dreams are lost,
I'm wasting away.
Forgive me, girl.

(Chorus)

Lady, won't you save me?
My heart belongs to you.
Lady, can you forgive me?
For all I've done to you.
Lady, oh, lady.

She's gone,
Out of my life.
Oh, she's gone.
I find it so hard to go on.
I really miss that girl, my love.

Come back into my arms.
I'm so alone,
I'm begging you,
I'm down on my knees.
Forgive me, girl.

(Chorus x2)

Lady, oh, lady.
My heart belongs to you.
Lady, can you forgive me?
For all I've done to you.

2007-12-03T00:44:00.000+08:00

Sitting at home on a cloudy Sunday. Pouring out my thoughts, to a world where kindness is hard to find.

Just a Little Kindness

When poverty comes knocking
Hunger surely comes, glaring
In conspiracy, wears tearing
And sickness sneaks in, eating
Just a little kindness-
A life would be saved.

When justice comes, perverting
False witness comes rising
With the simple truth, denying
And natural justice twisting
Just a little testimony-
An innocent man would be saved.

When ignorance comes knocking
The fool in his paradise fooling
About his God blasphaming
All the earthly things possessing
Just a little counselling-
A wise man would be made.

When despair comes jeering
Fear surely comes, dominating
And diligence comes, fading
With suicide, so strong, tempting.
Just a little encouragement-
Hell would be ashamed.

When lust comes, controlling
True love comes, faking
And reasoning comes, evading
With eternity life neglecting.
Just a little resistance-
Heaven would gain a soul.

2007-11-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

I don't know what I want right now, what I need, where I must go, when to do certain stuffs. I don't work for the sake of money. I don't play guitar and be in a band for the sake of being a rock star. And I don't just help to expect something in return.

Ah, whatever.

Random lyrics.

Unbalanced Nature

High pass the mountains,
through the freezing pole of the world.
Rises upon the mystery,
of which cannot be solve.

Untied the nots of all,
Whom to be release upon all.
Where there will be fire,
On the cold faces of the world,
Shall all melt by the heat of it,
Melt till there won't be any left.

Evapourating souls slowly disappearing,
Slowly occupying the depths of hell.
Where hell is cold,
Where all the fire is blue.

There won't be God to help,
From the suffering of the flame.
Non shall pass its fury.
Neither will there be to oppose it.

May the fire remain cold,
In the heart of all those who live.
Where it will explode under the pressure of life.
Burden of the living.

2007-11-25T06:14:00.000+08:00

Now that's more like it. Taking care of a band's sound. The Boss Band. Awesome group of musicians. They have 3 singers that can sing it all, a bassist that looks like Steve Harris, a rocker malay uncle as the guitarist and a big sized drummer that have hands as if they're as light as those drumstick itself.

The owner of the place himself took the lighting effects and sound and put it at the utmost importance. No wonder they can last long.

The highlight of the night was one of the singer in The Boss Band. She's gorgeous, has a damn great voice and hyper. She just mesmerized me, like totally.... Gosh.... I'm hypnotized till I almost forgot about the sound. Lol. Cute.

2007-11-24T05:49:00.001+08:00

That's it. I had enough of taking care of a club's sound system. Freaking boring. Guess clubbing isn't my cup of tea after all. Neither are the people there. I rather spoil my ears to a rock gig than to hiphop/r&b club with a Dj that thinks he's some kinda superstar, an Indian technician who thinks he knows everything but knows nothing. Waste of time.

I rather use my ears while they're still working fine for other purposes. Like my band or for real sound and music. No offence but some so called "songs" that are played in the clubs doesn't sound like music to me. What I see it as is some guy or girl, writing about seducing, sex, gangsters and more sex, yet its not being criticized as how metal and rock was. Well, sex sells. So there goes the music.

P A T H E T I C.

2007-11-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

GIVE ME MORE PRESSURE! MORE STRESS! BRING IT! I FEEL SHIOK!!

2007-11-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

I just put down the phone with Michy on the LRT and when I looked down to put the phone into my pocket, oh my, what do I see. Mammaries. Nice healthy mammaries. Very healthy. Firm and most probably juicy.

So answer me, girls, why exactly do you wear revealing clothes and yet afraid to admit you're just being sexy at the same time complaining that the "dirty old uncle" is staring at you? (Hot weather isn't a good reason. You don't see many guys wearing shorts and singlets around normally, do you?)

Oh and please for those who "have a bigger surface area", please, please, please, keep those areas hidden. It's healthy for others around you. Seriously, people need their sex drive, especially ones on the low shifts. Don't murder them.

Thank you so much for reading this totally random post.
May the force be with you.
Adios.

2007-11-11T23:33:00.001+08:00

23 hours of work. I fall asleep in a noisy club while standing. Amazing shit eh? This is getting crazy. A full day at home on weekend or public holidays just because I'm tired. And for the 1st time in a long, long time, I slept more than 8 hours. That just felt good. And Michy, we need more random outings. So full of shit but fun. Heh.

2007-11-04T01:58:00.000+08:00

Working 22 hours isn't funny at all. And people think working in a club is cool. Its damn freaking boring. Yeah all the girls around for you to look at. What's so fun about that? They're clubbing girls. I wanna look after a band, an orchestra, something with instruments or equipments. Not some guy making "noises" with a vinyl.

Just 13 hours awake and I'm sleepy again. Now this is what I called tired.

2007-10-28T23:30:00.001+08:00

Hmm.. Let's use pictures to describe what's been happening the past week.

Goofing around at work. We need all the smiles and craziness to get the hard work done. That includes doing stupid things of course. =D

Working with the Russian National Orchestra. They're awesome. (Oh and don't forget her blue eyes. =x)

Halloween Party at Plush (formerly known as Velvet Dragon/Club Momo).
Working in the day partying at night. Don't you just love halloweens? You'll get to see girls in your whatever fetish costume that you'd wish them to be in. =D Thanks Yi for the pumpkin head bucket!

2007-10-27T01:08:00.000+08:00

"Do you know that Topshop clothes are made by slave workers?"
"Oh is it? Well, its not my business.. =D"

That fucking ignorant, self-centered reply from this obviously over-pampered bitch just fucking made me flare up. I straight away, without hesitation, blocked and deleted her from my msn list. Felt like giving her a freaking tight slap. How ignorant can people be?

Those poor people working at these factories are earning less than S$8 bucks a day. We spent S$12 buying one shirt. And if that isn't pitiful enough, they're forced to work long hours, lived in cramped spaces, and forced to meet the minimum amount of clothes per hour. Else they'll get suspended without pay. The 1st line already made me sick and avoid buying of Topshop clothes. The rest?

The way she replied me just shows how ignorant people are in this uber comfortable clean place that we're so lucky to be living in. So pampered are people nowadays, they hate their own life. They get depressed on the simplest of things, or just boredom. Hate their life where others around the globe couldn't even dream of having.

Another example of over-pampered people. While working, I was thirsty and drank water straight from the tap. I get this "Ew, gross.." face from a girl. Its tap water for goodness sake. I'm not drinking from the drain.

Usually its the girls who have this over-pampered attitude. Ask the friendly Myanmar girls. They said it for themselves. SINGAPORE GIRLS ARE TOO PAMPERED. I would like to correct that statement. "MOST SINGAPORE GIRLS ARE TOO PAMPERED".

There's nothing more noisome than an ignorant, over-pampered, sefl-centered person. Nothing.

2007-10-25T22:42:00.000+08:00

I'm bored. I'm getting bored of stuffs and I'm getting more interested in new stuffs.

Things I used to love to do, doesn't seem interesting now. It's time to get some renewed energy from new stuffs.

Work's getting more interesting. Soundcraft digital mixer Vi4. Check that out. A freaking $100k++ mixer! Crazy shit. You can buy 2 van and still have extra to buy 1 MacBook Pro. Wtf? And there's a more expensive and fiercer one. The DB5. Near $200k. I shall say nothing. Then comes the JBL triple 2s, 8s, 9s. Fierce speakers. Freaking fierce. And more to come. VRx, Controls, etc.

Getting more lobangs for freelance work on soundman/deejays. Fun stuffs to do. Recent work was at Suntec City Starhub Road show. Its kinda cool, but I rather look after the sound of a band than just play music. Most probably, will be taking care of a club's sound system for two nights. Ain't gonna reveal the club's name. Just to say its a big, known club. =)

Next year hopefully, if time permits, I'll be helping out in Esplanade's concert hall as an assistant sound engineer. Freelance of course. And if that happens, I've just got part of my dream come true.

So far so good. I'm walking on the right path. Happy. Wished I could share this happiness with someone. Then again, who'd bother?

2007-10-15T23:42:00.001+08:00

Its amusing reading this 24 year old girl's msn nick. It read "I hate you for not loving my internal feelings at all... biased."

Less than a month ago it was "No more love for me! I can't trust guys!"

About 2 weeks ago it was "I change my mind. I love ******."

And it keeps changing, every month. Lol. Sometimes I just wanna double click on her nick and type a big fat ROFL. Just for kicks. And its not only her, there are others too. All those lovey dovey nicks. Then emo, angry nicks, in less than... 3 months? Kudos to those long lasting relationships. But to the rest, you guys are just over using the word love. Try crush, infatuation, fling, etc. Don't give love a bad name ya?

2007-10-14T23:50:00.000+08:00

Was listening to Class 95 in the car when Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting", Cliff Jimmy's "Bright Sunshiny Day" and Police's "Every Breath You Take" were played. Good ol' oldies to sooth the ears after a long day of listening to Aunty gossips, high pitched laughters and screaming children. Notice that these songs are somehow evergreen. No matter how many times you play and listen to them, you just can't get tired of them somehow. Its amazing.

And all that is called good music. That's what I wanna do. Make good music and sound. Not just metal, rock, jazz. Its music. It's not just about the equipments. Not just about the playing. Not just about the type of genre. Its, again I say it, music. Good quality music/sound. Not easy these days to get that. Oh well, shut up Fie. Yes we know you love music.

I've cleaned and polished my guitars. They're uber sexy now. And you've gotta feel them. Just gotta. Umph~

2007-10-12T03:54:00.000+08:00

How should I say this? Sleepless night. And all I can think of is her. If only you knew. Then again, you'd better not know.

Summer Snow

From the clear blue morning sky,
I see the summer snow falling.
Then I look into your eyes,
Is this a new world dawning?

When the darkness of the night is overcome,
We may rise to find the brightness of the sun.
But if I were to give up this chance,
I may never have this dance.

I wish with all my body, my heart, my soul,
That I would never have to let you go.
If you knew the feelings I had for you,
Perhaps you would feel the same way too.

I see your smile, your eyes lightening up.
Heart and soul, I feel so light.
How I long to embrace you in my arms,
Keeping you warm from the falling snow.

Alas! It is all but a dream, a fantasy,
Imagination runs wild, as if on estasy.
Will you ever love me? I do not know.
All I can do is sit and pray, under the summer snow.

2007-10-10T22:56:00.000+08:00

Hmm. I think I've never posted "Mistress of the Wolves" lyrics here before. Here it is then. My 1st ever fully completed original.

Mistress of the Wolves

Beyond the town where
Living mortals breathe,
Within the forest of
Whispering ancient trees,
Beside a lake
Of satin black waters,
Rests a silver haired Mistress –
One of night’s daughters.

Her wolf companion bays –
In homage to the moon,
The night wind carries
Her bewitching tune.
It rises above the
Howling winds -
And touches the soul
Deep within.

The howling of the winds,
we hear through the night.
Its the calling of the,
Mistress of the Wolves.

Entwined with her wolves
Lonely cries,
Her beautiful face
Turned to night sky,
The Mistress of Wolves
Bathed in moonlight –
Sends her bewitching song -
Into cold winter's night.

Mistress of the wolves,
You can hear her cries from deep inside of the woods.
All her servants pay homage to the moon.
She's the heiress, oh mistress of the wolves.

2007-10-07T03:46:00.000+08:00

Had a heart to heart talk with my mum in the wee hours. We talked about our lives, problems, issues, to better understand each other. We cleared each others doubts and misconceptions. My poor mum.

Gonna talk to the rest of my family on Hari Raya. To better understand each other. I felt it is time for me to do something. Maybe I heed Yk's advice. I'll try to lead. As the eldest of the siblings, the responsibilities of being a big bro has now taken a new lead. That is to take care of the family ties. Of course I'll be extremely nervous and worried about the outcome of it but being 22 years old, I have to share my views as the adult that I already am. To bring the family closer together and understand each other is my objective.

Its surprising in a way after I discussed about anything, I realised the way I talked, the way I express my views to the rest seems so natural. Words just flow out of my mouth, eyes kept reading the body language and facial expression, ears listening to each and everyone's words. Working with people who cares for each other, doing stuffs with people who will pull or push each other when they can't keep up, it brings the mood up and makes it enjoyable to continue even though things are shitty around.

Keep moving. We should all do that.

2007-10-03T00:27:00.000+08:00

Nobody likes to be a middleman. You're in this zone where everything you do or say will just bounce back and hit you right in the face. When both parties are friends/colleagues/family, it gets harder to actually resolve the matter.

Out of anger or frustration, people will unconsciously scold someone innocent. That I can understand. But all the time? Being blamed, scolded or even neglect? I don't know what to do sometimes instead I'll either just take the blame or scolding with a closed heart. It hurts seeing someone you know get angry at you and you don't know how to apologize. Not giving a fuck's just not my type right now.

Sigh. I wish for a world where smiles are genuine.

The peacefulness of my sleep every night depends on the number of smiles I made during the day. Lets go out, have fun and de-stress again Michy.

2007-10-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

Tired but satisfied. Thank you all for coming down to watch us.

The Eisen Guards.

2007-09-28T00:53:00.000+08:00

Army museum's finally opened and our job there's done. Finally! And we're gonna celebrate it with a team dinner tomorrow. Hoho. I feel the satisfaction of being a part of something so big. If I go there in the future, I can truthfully say that I partly responsible to make the museum a reality.

The satisfaction is worth the effort, sweat and exhaustion. We're all in smiles. Now for the next major project - Lasalle auditorium. Where I'm in charge. Here we go again.

Its been a tiring yet cheerful month. Never had so much fun and laughter, with people that I've just met or friend's friend. So little time free, had to make the most of it. Working on the day, partying at night, sleeping 4 hours, twice a week. Not to mention fasting.

Amidst all the fun, I missed loving and being loved.

2007-09-24T01:31:00.000+08:00

GIMME A GUN FOR GOODNESS SAKE! A GUN! I WANNA SHOOT THE FUCKING KNNBCCB STRAY DOGS OUTSIDE! FUCKING WANNA STRANGLE THEM AND SWING THEM AROUND BY THEIR NECKS!

It's 134am now and these dogs are making one hell of a racket out there. There goes my good night's sleep! ARGH! I HATE DOGS!

2007-09-19T22:15:00.001+08:00

Ok. This is tiring. Very tiring. Fasting and working. Haha. Yes, I am tired, and when I get tired, soon I'll get tired of stuffs. And when I get tired of stuffs I'll usually just throw it aside and don't bother. =)

Which is gonna be the priority in life, and which is gonna be just an opinion? Can someone actually walk on several paths at the same time?

Questions, questions. Why can't I answer some questions even though the answer is in my head? =/ Hmmm.

2007-09-14T23:37:00.000+08:00

Fasting month starts. Gosh, I'm tired. My mind's still hyper but my body just don't wanna move. Lol. I smile for a sec, I'll be nodding off to sleep the next sec. Wanna run up the stairs, end up sitting down halfway. Lol. Gotta get use to this low energy thingie and conserve.

Hopefully it won't be so tiring on the gig days. =)

2007-09-13T04:50:00.001+08:00

Excellent!

That's what I get from all the managers for my review. Woohoo!!! Hyperness to the max!

2007-09-09T21:02:00.000+08:00

I woke up today, feeling fresh and well rest. It's a sunny Sunday and everyone's home. My little bro's doing his online homework on my laptop while I lay down beside him. Its 2+pm. I felt restless. Went in and out of the kitchen. Didn't know what I want. Wasn't looking for food either. So I went back to bed and watch my little bro do his homework.

Suddenly I heard my mum screamed and a loud thud was heard. It sounded like as if something big has fallen outside from above. It sounded like someone fell. I looked out the window and saw a chinese woman wearing red top and jeans lying on the floor, her head bloodied. Immediately, I dashed out of my room and out of my house, while telling my parents to call the police. When I went down, there were two women, both from PRC. I helped one of them, who wasn't that badly injured to the nearby house and asked the people living there to help her while I attend to the other woman. A few passerby walked pass that area. I shouted at them for ambulance but they either ignored me or walk briskly away. From her eyes I can see that she's shocked and scared. She told me not to called the police, which my dad already did when I left the house.

Soon the other neighbours were out of their houses wondering what's going on. I asked for a towel to wipe the blood of her forehead. She had a deep cut on her forehead. Her left hand and leg were twisted in an awkward position. After wiping the blood I used the towel as a cushion for her head. While waiting for the ambulance she held on to my hand with her right hand. Just before she was carried away by the ambulance attendance, she looked at me and said, "Thank you." I smiled.

When I walked back to the crowd, what I hear just disappoint me greatly. I hear people saying "China people are stupid." "They wanna jump and die don't do it here." And all the cruel stuff. It's really very sad to hear that. And they've got the cheek to make fun of the 2 women.

They didn't want us to call the police because they're very scared to get into trouble. They're either on work permits or PRs. After the shock of falling, fear just come in naturally. People just don't understand. They're humans too, no matter where they come from. And they deserve to be treated the same way. It goes for all other people out there. Yes people may be rude selfless, or in some cases, brainless, but you gotta understand that they're either don't care or don't understand the actions that they do. If they don't care, then don't bother. Don't be like them. If they don't understand, be patient, they'll learn.

Sigh. Its really sad. Its damn hard to be nice and caring to everyone. And today, I've seen pure ignorance, cruelty in people.

2007-09-06T01:56:00.000+08:00

3days of celebration. Freaking awesome birthday! (Except the saman of course -.-)

Here's the secret. On sat went out with Michy for our pre and post birthday dinner at "My secret garden"! Awesome place, deliciously yummy food and uber cool environment. After that we have our cake cutting at, of all places, the park in between SMU. We can't even light the candles because it was too windy. But what the heck! FUN! After that Michy pulled me along to go CLUBBING at St James Boiler. YES! ME, CLUBBING! WTF? Ironically, it was freaking fun! The right company just makes it damn fun. =) Danced till 4am. Non-stop. Haha! Oh yah, got to grind with 2 girls. Wakaka!

Sunday's chalet/bbq plan was canceled because the chalet was full. The back up plan was booking the rooftop of Amirah's grill but that was full too. So in the end, I just met up with Wan, Yk and Leila for our quiet dinner at Al-Azhar. Met Jason later on and we chilled at the void deck near my place, playing guitar. Oh and I've got a present from YK and Leila. Take a look at this.

What the fucking fuck is that!? I'll let you guess it. ;)

Monday was suppose to be my leave day but had to go back to work for some handing over shit. Went off after lunch to crash in Yk's lecture. Damn I missed studying. After that went to meet Leila at Woodlands to chill before I went off to meet Michy, Jia Hao and Clara at Holland Village. Thanks to Seoky I took the wrong bus and ended up at Jalan Bukit Merah. You owe me lunch Seoker. Heh. So yah meet up with them at The Coffee Connoisseur, not The Coffee Club, for dinner. Surprise, surprise. They've got me a chip and dale handphone accessory and a black, elongated cat face pillow/massager that make a farting sound when its turned on. I shall repeat that again. A black, elongated cat face pillow/massager that make a farting sound when its turned on. I was stunned for a few minutes. But anyway, thanks for the gift!!! Its my bolster now. =x

When I came home that night, my family wished me happy birthday on the stroke of midnight and gave me my presents and a birthday card. What they wrote in it touched me deeply. These are what they wrote:

Mum: Never forget that I'll always be there with you. Love you always and you'll always be in my heart.
Sister: For my bro that's always quiet. You're a great brother. Smile and talk more at home ok? I need a brother to share my problems with!
Youngest bro: (As how he wrote it himself.) Happy birthday Abang Pipi!!! Thank you for send and take me to school!!! Talk to me please!!!!!!!! From: Syakir
2nd bro: A cool, quiet and calm bro you always have been. Hope that your guitar skills will be better like.. SLASH! Brothers always.

I kinda shed a tear when I read it. I've been neglecting them. Minding my own business and just kept quiet. Especially my youngest bro and my sister. Sometimes I felt that they wanna talk to me, but somehow didn't. Syakir have always been trying to play with me. I did play with him but sometimes I was too tired to entertain him for long. My sis, I think when she look at how her friends mingle easily with their bros make her feel sad that she can't talk to her own. My bro yan, though he looks like he prefers to be alone at times, he does have stuffs I felt he wanna share or talk about like normal brothers do.

And finally, my mum. Always concern, always there to give me a kiss on both cheeks whenever I wanna go out. Never before she forgets to do that. She knows nothing much of her eldest son, but she does know his character. You know I love you. How else can you explain the reason why I never ever quarreled or scold you? I don't shout at you too. No matter how pissed, irritated or emotionally unstable. I did raised my voice before but I felt terrible after that. I've never let you down on anything that I've promised you with and I don't break my promises. Hopefully, I can gain your full trust on taking care of myself. Love you lots mum.

At the end of it all, my birthday wish came true. I wished for a smooth sailing, memorable birthday. Its been quite some time since I had so much fun on my birthday, I've forgotten how it felt like. Thank you so much for such a wonderful time. It wouldn't had happened if it weren't for you guys. You guys are the best. I'll remember this birthday dearly. Thank you so very much!

2007-08-28T22:44:00.000+08:00

A secret birthday plan.
A secret celebration.
A secret cake art.
A secret slice of heaven.

4 more days till the secret is reveal! =))))))