After thinking for a very long time, I've decided to tell a story. Tonight, there's a story I would like to share. Something very personal but I think its time to let my friends know. I'm sorry if I caused any uneasiness in anyone. This is my story.
There was a time back then where life has no meaning to me. Values are bullshit, and everyday was just another day to have fun, get wasted, to do what my "zhong" told me to do and to just get attention. Lost and depressed, I turned to joining a gang, heavy drinking and smoking. I was 15 turning 16. Still a kid who doesn't know anything.
Nights are spent at sparks. Afternoons are spent smoking or just plain finding trouble. I can't remember how many guys I've beaten up either alone or with people and how many times I've got beaten up. I thought I had a reason to beat the hell out of them. I was angry. I was furious. A kid who lost something so precious. I blamed it on everything. And when I'm drunk was when I'm at my worst. There was once, my "friends" and I beat up this 3 guys while we're drunk. They had to pull me back to stop me from killing one of them.
I didn't feel anything. No remorse, no nothing. I just couldn't give a damn. There was 3 "job" that I can still remember as clearly as if it happened just a year back. The 1st was to find a guy from another gang, who's currently hanging out around our "area" a week. Our "scouts" confirm to us the guy, he was smoking with his friends at the street soccer court. They had 4 guys, we had 5. So we went there with metal pipes and keys. Yes, keys. No warning or anything we just kept hitting. Apparently, we stopped after just 3 minutes and walked off after telling them to stay away. I remembered this clearly because kicked one of the guy's face while he was falling to the floor. Back then, I felt nothing. Now, its just.... sigh.
The other "job" I remembered it because we caused the guy to be knocked down by a car. His body was like a rag doll when he was hit....
The last "job"... It was a personal thing and also because its the last of it. I asked my "zhong" for a favour to find a particular guy whom I despise because he raped one of my "godsisters". "Zhong" said he offered to get the guy to somewhere quiet so I can deal with him anyway I like but I preferred him to be handled by only me. So yeah... 9pm I waited under his HDB flat. I was told he frequently goes to the kopitiam near his area at night. He went down at around 10pm. While he was going down the stairs, I moved up to him and stabbed him with a pointed comb, twice, and I whispered something like, "****** said hi, from her godbro. Die mother ******* **** ***." and I ran off. While I was running, I turned back and I saw him sitting on the stairs with his hands on his abdomen, bloodied.
Straight away after that, I went to get some beer and a pack of cigs. I went over to Bukit timah shopping center. Smoked, and drank. I smoked 3 packs. That was when I came to my senses. I don't know whether it was because I was drunk or its just my imagination, but at the bottom of the stairs, I saw Fizah, my ex-girlfriend that passed away, looking up at me crying. Crying so uncontrollably that her whole body was shaking. Before I could say anything, she turned and ran away. Disappeared into thin air.
What I felt after that, is that I felt I'm the lowest, most fucked up, most disgusting piece of crap that ever existed on the face of this planet. I can't think of any word to describe it. Just pure fucked up. Guilt + stupidity + sadness + anger + fear, ETC! All the fucked up feelings, you name it, its there. What can I do? Nothing. The only thing in my head was suicide, the coward way out. I mean, I'm already the lowest piece of shit that ever existed, why not make a lower record? So there I was, sitting on the edge of the 23rd floor a HDB flat near my home. I kept asking for forgiveness but I know I would never be forgiven.
After silently saying my goodbyes to everyone, as I pushed off, my cat suddenly jumped up the divider and sat beside me, meowing. That stopped me, and for the 1st time in a long time, I used my head. I actually think! Who's gonna look after her (my cat) if I'm gone? Who's gonna look after my siblings when I'm gone? And the questions just kept flowing out. In fact the most important question that ring in my head that time was, "Why don't you make yourself useful and help others to repay your sins?" Though the sins can be never fully repaid, at least I tried.
The turning point of my life. I vowed not to ever drink and smoke again, but I've broken one of them and have no intention, not even the slightest, to break the other. From that point of time, I learn to be patient, learn to read people's emotions to better adapt to my surroundings, learn find answers whenever I ask myself questions. I can't walk away knowing I didn't help someone when I could help them. It'll leave me restless and guilty. After quite sometime, I learn the most important thing in life.
I was consoling one of my godsisters. She was feeling shitty for screaming at her mom. So she said she was so guilty and embarrassed that she just couldn't bear going back home to ask for forgiveness. That got me thinking. Then these words came out from my mouth automatically. It's not exactly what I've said but its about there. "Why don't you forgive yourself 1st? Your actions are your responsibility and same goes with your mistakes. Learn from it and correct it if you can. Forgive yourself then ask forgiveness from others because forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do." That was when I realised I have not forgiven myself of my sins. It is the hardest thing to do.
Till now I haven't forgiven myself fully for what I've done. Its hard and I'm still trying to redeem myself, for as long as it takes.
The nick coolfire was made up to cover the name I was called during those days. "Zhong" named me Fire because I'll just go crazy when I'm drunk. It may sound lame but the nick Felfirez meant "fallen Fire". There was "Sharp", "Daggie", "Zhang", "mike", "Ice", "Jay", "Boy" and "Fin". The "brothers" I was closest. The "sisters" are "Jane", "Lui", "kimmy", "Big sister", "cutie", "Jazmine", "lian", "mummy" and "kitty". I don't know what happened to them but though we're in a gang, they're like family. Many times they pulled me out of the shit and many times they protect me. Didn't get to thank them or say goodbye. Only to "Zhong". It was surprising he let me off easily. No payments no nothing. Just a last "job" of sending money to the other group which was over at another area. He even said if I need help just call him. I never did.
Time passed by, I remained as I was, anti social, loner but always willing to help. Till poly days, where finally I decided to change a little. Let myself out a bit. And that's where life just takes a turn for the better, finally.
