This feeling which I can roughly explain as confusion with a touch of
numbness. Sue might be right. I'm looking for love but it can't be
found. Neither am I rushing for it nor desperately in need of it. It's
more of a "want". Of course everyone wants to find their respective
love. The want to be loved and to love. I've seen it in couple's eyes.
And from the way they look, talk, feel, listen, etc. towards each
other, I can tell if it's love or infatuation. One who've tasted love,
would know what I mean.

So back to my feeling. In the past, I've learnt to differentiate love
and infatuation. Differentiate friendship love, family love, material
love, animal love. And of course, the love between Adam and Eve. Many,
many infatuation occured in the past. I'm extremely lucky to be loved
once and to love another twice. Imagine you trying this delicious meal
1st time in your life, the most delicious. Others were nice. Then, the
store you ate that delicious meal closed down. Don't you wanna find
another store that has the most delicious meal, like the one you've
tasted? It might be a different meal but it's still much more
delicious than the rest.

Well, I've looked high and low but I still couldn't find that dish.
For some reason unknown, after a long time, 2 years to be exact, I
still yearn for that dish. So the feeling that I'm having right now,
is confusion.

The only person that I felt most comfortable talking to, opening up
to, to joke with, to share thoughts, to create music, to be with, is
still her. 2 years no contact, no visual, and yet she's the only
person I've known that I felt most comfortable with. I've known many
people, met many faces. Nope, that feeling didn't resurface at all.
Just infatuations, strong friendship love or lust.

I still love Fizah, but it has evolved into a totally different kind
of love. One which I could not explain. And I still love you, one that
caused the most pain. Why? Aren't we humans suppose to have the
instinct to avoid, hate, fear the cause of the pain? Or make it go
away, get numbed by it? Isn't that logically the correct thing to do?
I'm confused.

Why is it that I subconsciously think of her everyday? Is there
something that remind me of her? No, I've gotten rid of everything.
How do we erase memories? My mind has a life on it's own. I'm not sad
or depressed by these thoughts. Nor am I hoping for anything. Or am I
sub-consciously wanting things to happen? What is it that my sub-
conscious mind up to?

With so many questions unanswered, that can only mean I am confused.
Unable to understand the cause, the logic, the feeling behind this
thoughts. 2 years has passed, the pain, sorrows, regrets have gone
away. But not the care, the love.

I just want to know...why......?