I feel distracted by emotions but I pushed on. Everything's inside just suppressed and controlled...
Controlled... Yes.. How I know you hate that word. You and your impulsive self.
I thought all was good. There's a happy ending for you. I didn't go close nor I didn't stay far. I'm no one to you but that's ok. All I wished for was your happiness. It really affects me seeing you down. So much so that I can't bear the weight on my chest, helplessly unable to comfort you. It keeps me awake at night, haunts my dreams and invades my focus.
Previously I looked forward to our random meet ups. Just to see how you're doing. I didn't ask, but I can tell. I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to intrude. I am, anyway, just a nobody. Seeing you smile just made my months better. Yeap, it lasts for months.
During the Slash gig, I held on to you. I felt awkward and guilty but, fuck, I felt soothing and calmed, amidst the wild crowd. I couldn't let go of you, but I had to. I found out where had my emotions went all these time. It was suppressed. Tucked away somewhere. I convinced myself they are a liability. That emptiness and neutrality was because of that; I didn't let it out. Maiden gig was where it starts to burst out. The thought of not seeing maiden up front suddenly hits me. Thus the frustrations. All I want was maiden but I was thinking of your safety before I decided to head to the front. Seeing you with him I felt confident you'll be fine. I left the queue.
We're in. I wanted to make sure you're fine and well with him by your side. Found you, you're ok but you pulled my hand. Starting band I stayed awhile, test the water. Wild crowd, you're still doing fine. "She'll be fine" I thought and I left and squeezed for center stage. Before it all starts I saw him being carried out, fainted. I panicked. All I can think of is you being alone in that madness. Didn't hesitate, I bashed through towards you. Found you, held you close and after that everything was like a dream. Here I am watching Iron Maiden live at the same time holding the love of my life keeping her safe. I couldn't have it any other way. It was romantically chaotic and metal. But I didn't show it. It was a night I'd remember for the rest of my life. You said goodbye and thanks after that. I didn't dare to look you in the eye and said goodbye because I know that dream has ended. Again, I didn't show it, suppressed, no one saw it.
March 1st. You told me you broke up. My heart almost popped out of my mouth. I got dizzy and couldn't stand still. I had to see you. I had to comfort you. Somehow, someway... but I failed. I'm a nobody.. Days went by, I feel that I'm a nuisance to you. I tried not to but I just couldn't help myself. Hopeless I am. There must be a way to cage myself from you.
I figured it out. I'll do it. There's nothing else for me to give. I've got nothing. I'm not worthy of you but you're my beating heart. Seeing you happy made my heart race with happiness, seeing you down and sad makes my heart feels like its been stabbed a thousand times. Yes, those nightmares were of you. And they are still going on now, but its a small disturbance.
Nearing 5 years is a long, long time. I've been through a lot and learn a lot. There's never a day gone by that I've not thought of you even while dating people. I think of you before i closed my eyes every night. How're you doing.. are you happy.. are you hurt/ill.. Then I'll go to sleep. 2-3 years back I'd argue its just familiarity or just plain stubborn. Now I'm convinced I'm truly in love with you. I can't have you but I swear from the depths of my heart that I'll be there for you as soon as I can. I'm not one who breaks promises let alone sworn to something.
Coz all I wish for is your happiness and well being, no matter who you're with or what you're doing. Just because...
I love you...from then till now through various tests, it's never faltered...
however..I can't bring myself to tell you all these...posting here in a smallest and tiniest of hope you'd read it..
