I feel distracted by emotions but I pushed on. Everything's inside just suppressed and controlled...   ¶ 3:24 AM

  Across barren plains, her thoughts wandered. Far reaches to the corners of the lands, her mind traveled. For unknown questions she's trying to answer, forever searching, the mind's plunder.

For days, with just the cloth that protects her from the relentless desert winds and storms, she reached the lands of Artundia. As said in the prophetic texts where one seeks the answer to the unknown lies a test in the distant lands of the forsaken.

The sight of its barrenness overwhelmed her. As though her soul was translated and scarred the land that behold in front of her. Summoned what's left of her sanity, she embraced the emptiness, for what it hid values her meaning of existence.  ¶ 10:08 PM

  She walks through the mist, thoughts filled her consciousness. Would it be delivered by the hand of fate? Ravaging through lost memories, in hope to find a clue. Neither light nor shadow can she find that object of obscuration. The mist avoided her, as though the flow of river around an obstacle.

"How thy seek thee, for thy be damned caitiff."

Pleas fell on deaf ears, they say. Hardened stones, stubborn beliefs. Plea she did, for heavens forgiveness, unknown and not actuality. Unavailing, wander upon endless lands, seeking amnesiac miracles.  ¶ 8:53 PM

  Let me tell you a story about dogs and cats which has something to do with life and temper.


Imagine this. There's a stretch of road with houses on both sides. Each house has a pet cat and dog. Outside the house, there's stray cats and dogs.

1) So once awhile, the stray dog will go around and mark territory by pee-ing at certain points. Angered, the dogs inside the houses, trapped by the locked gate, make lots and lots of noise, barking and howling. At the same time, causing havoc around the neighbourhood with all the noise. Being irritating. The stray dog however, ignores and continue marking his territory and occasionally chases other stray dogs that happens to intrude into their territory.

2) While the dogs are making lots of noise making a big fuss about the situation, the cats in the house just sleepily lay down comfortably, waiting for the next meal and just watching the free show by the barking dogs. Without a care or worry, just waiting for the next meal. Ignoring the fact that something is wrong. Well, its not their problem. It'll be their problem if the next meal is not coming because of it. And they start meowing, at that same position, just looking cute.

3) And here comes the stray cat. Always silent, never in the spotlight, roaming free. Grabbing all the opportunities that lies outside the gates for the next meal. The stray dogs might have marked their territory, but the cats, because of their low profile actions, got the whole place to explore without being bark at.



So what's the moral of the story? There are a few ways you can relate it to. Lets start with anger.

For the barking dog, that resembles those people with short temper. They make noise, they complain, basically they make people around them rather miserable and stress. Not to mention the disturbance and the scene they'll make. All the barking and howling etc. didn't do anything about letting the stray dog mark their territory. Instead, it just makes things go chaotic for the selfless thought of itself.

Next we'll go with ignorance. Ignorant people just want everything to come easy. Get a stable job with the highest salary and the minimum effort to do work, settle down somewhere and mind their own business, anything that happens around them doesn't concern them, but if it affects them then they'll start complaining, whining but not doing anything about it. After awhile, the best answer and most common will be, "What to do? Bo bian...".

Following ignorance will be selflessness. The stray dog cares for nothing but territory domination. Get everything, as long as it will benefit itself, for as much as it can. These people are most successful in life in terms of economy and status. Their confidence comes from their undistinguished desire to get what they want no matter what the costs. They ignore the complains, the scene that was created by them, but because what they did benefit another person and in return benefit them, they earn a plus point in what they are doing.

Lastly, we have the stray cat. These group of people are the happiest in living life as the way it is. Happy at what is given and what was already acquired. They are opportunists, peace loving, patient and open minded. They look at the world at an outsider's point of view. Some took matters into deep thinking and came out solutions which are rather unseen from the rest of the community. Others strive to achieve a goal with sometimes no economical or status benefits.


People are born sad, angry, happy, determined or ignorant. It can be change with one's effort and will power through psychological means. Great examples are our great geniuses of the past and present.

Sir Issac Newton was an anti-social person at young age, suffering from depression and mental illness. That didn't stop him from being one of the greatest physicists ever. Albert Einstein was born with a rebellious nature and even got into trouble while in school, saying that the teachings of the school dull and not creative. Later on, though the ego of his rebellious attitude remains till adulthood, he admits blunders and mistakes whenever he does them, openly to criticism and accusations. Stephen Hawkings was once a lazy student. He spend no more than an hour each day during college to study and concentrated more on leisure activities and socializing. At the mist of discovering his fatal illness was actually progressing much slower than expected, he turned into a workaholic and developed the ability to recreate and study page-long formulas in his mind for hours at a time spanning years in duration.

These are great examples. There are countless of other smaller less conspicuous examples out there that we see everyday. In a way they are the same. It all boils down to how much one wants to change the way he or she live their lives. Changing something requires action by one, not by another and that action is carried out from the heart, not the mouth.  ¶ 5:23 PM

 

"The individual feels ... the sublimity and marvelous order which reveal themselves in nature ... and he wants to experience the universe as a single significant whole."

"a person who is religiously enlightened appears to me to be one who has, to the best of his ability, liberated himself from the fetters of his selfish desires and is preoccupied with thoughts, feelings and aspirations to which he clings because of their super-personal value ... regardless of whether any attempt is made to unite this content with a Divine Being, for otherwise it would not be possible to count Buddha and Spinoza as religious personalities. Accordingly a religious person is devout in the sense that he has no doubt of the significance of those super-personal objects and goals which neither require nor are capable of rational foundation ... In this sense religion is the age-old endeavour of mankind to become clearly and completely conscious of these values and goals, and constantly to strengthen their effects."

In a letter to Eric Gutkind in 1954 Einstein wrote:

I read a great deal in the last days of your book, and thank you very much for sending it to me. What especially struck me about it was this. With regard to the factual attitude to life and to the human community we have a great deal in common. ... The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. These subtilised interpretations are highly manifold according to their nature and have almost nothing to do with the original text. For me the Jewish religion like all other religions is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are also no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them. In general I find it painful that you claim a privileged position and try to defend it by two walls of pride, an external one as a man and an internal one as a Jew. As a man you claim, so to speak, a dispensation from causality otherwise accepted, as a Jew the privilege of monotheism. But a limited causality is no longer a causality at all, as our wonderful Spinoza recognized with all incision, probably as the first one. And the animistic interpretations of the religions of nature are in principle not annulled by monopolisation. With such walls we can only attain a certain self-deception, but our moral efforts are not furthered by them. On the contrary. Now that I have quite openly stated our differences in intellectual convictions it is still clear to me that we are quite close to each other in essential things, ie in our evaluations of human behaviour. What separates us are only intellectual 'props' and 'rationalisation' in Freud's language. Therefore I think that we would understand each other quite well if we talked about concrete things. With friendly thanks and best wishes Yours, A. Einstein.

"I'm not an atheist. I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws."  ¶ 12:31 AM

  Hmmm. I came across this thing called the state of no thoughts. Its a teaching by some "Enlightened Master" from India from the teachings of the Shiva Sanskrit or something. It goes by the saying that if you're aware of what you're doing, you won't have thoughts going through your mind. Kinda hard to understand? Simply put, the teachings teach you to be fully aware of yourself and your surroundings. Sounds simple but logically misleading.


I didn't really look through the training but I did saw a part of the Master was teaching regarding emotion suppression and expression. Emotions he was referring to are anger, sadness, hate, all the negative emotions. He said that it is because of our thoughts that our emotions arise and took control of ourselves. It is because we weren't aware of the thought that was coming to us that will make us negative.

All this mambo-jambo won't make any sense at all if I were to explain it here. Try going to youtube and search for "LifeBlissFoundation" and you'll see some clips on the Master's speech.


Why did I randomly talk about this thing? I decided to give it a try. So I wrote down every single unaware thoughts on a piece of paper for a day, from every event that happened that day till I'm on my bed falling asleep.

And from that small experiment, I realised all this time I thought I was full of thoughts on everything around me. Meaning, when I walk, I'll take note of my posture, my footing and my breathing. If someone walk's pass me I'll notice the hair, the clothes, the posture, the facial expression, the sound of the person's walking, the smell. In a vehicle, I'll notice the engine, the tire's friction, the seats, the air-con blowing, the bumpy road, the music from my phone. While travelling in that vehicle, there are more things that I'll be aware of.

But that awareness isn't complete if I'm not aware of myself. Knowing what you're gonna do, and knowing what your purpose is, only then one can be fully "awake" and aware.


You guys try it out. Just spend a time or two to listen. This is not a religion. Its a knowledge, inner science. There are countless of scientists who are doing research on it, spanning from 10,000 years back. Its a way to a peaceful self. =]  ¶ 1:40 PM

 


  ¶ 11:31 PM

  Interesting Xmas this year. My Malaysian friend, Alia, came over to Singapore with her family for the holidays. So they wanted to see Orchard road with its lights up, and of course, shopping. Its kinda disappointing this year. The lights and decorations weren't as great as last year. It's like totally "budget" decorations.

A friend of mine said, "The world is in recession.......... except Malaysians." I was like wtf? when he said that. But now I know why. The way my friend's parents spend on their shopping, it's scary. I mean like they're spending like there's no tomorrow or that the world is in its golden age or something. Prada, Guess, etc... you name it. But they don't look like that sort at all. Her dad's in denim jacket and jeans, which made him look like some normal Malay Uncle that lepaks in the coffee shop and her mom looks like any other fierce Malay lady. As for my friend, she dressed up like totally simple. Average Jane I might add. Interesting people.

So we walked around Orchard Road, ate at an Indonesian restaurant, watch the fountain of wealth, played with the koi fishes and more shopping.

So it was a lot of walking here and there, talking, shopping and pictures. Oh yah, pictures. Here's some of them. Kinda weird but they asked me to pose with them. >.<


  ¶ 12:35 AM

  Been busy as usual but I'm now addicted to reading up about the cosmos. Lol an old interest since young. Been reading a lot about the whatever there is to read. Be it black holes/quasars, novas, tachyons, star magnitudes, dark matter, planet X aka Nibiru, and so on and so for.

These stuffs are so huge, so far away, it makes us here on Earth look freaking tiny. Astronomers use Astronomical Units(AU) to measure distances. 1 AU is 93 million miles or 149598000km or the distance from the Earth to the sun. Pluto, the furthest ex-planet, is 39.5AU away from the sun. That's like almost 6 billion km away! Another unit that astronomers use to measure distance that are extremely far is to use Lightyears. That's the distance covered by light in one year, which is 300,000 x 31556926 secs (number of seconds per year) = almost 10 trillion km.

Now imagine this. The nearest galaxy that is similar to our galaxy, the Milky Way, a spiral galaxy is the Andromeda galaxy, which is 2million Light years away. So... you do the maths. Our own galaxy is about 100000 lightyears across. Yes, that's fucking huge! How can there not be life elsewhere?! You're talking about roughly 100 billion stars in one galaxy. Seriously, there are some other fucks out there looking up in the sky wondering where the fuck are we.

And you think it couldn't get any bigger, there's a blob like structure out there in space that's 200 million lightyears wide. Our Earth, about 12000km in diameters, the sun is 1.4 million km across, from sun to pluto is, 39.5AU, 6 billion km, from sun to the nearest star, proxima centuari, 4.3 light years, which is 39.9 trillion km away, our galaxy is 100,000 km across, which is 9.5×1017 km. So imagine the biggest fucking thing in the Universe is 200 million lightyears wide. THAT'S FUCKINGLY HUGE!

So that's the biggest thing. The furthest thing? Is at 13.2 billion lightyears away. Don't even think of how far is that. Its far beyond farrrr.. If you're traveling at the speed of light, 300,000km per sec, you'll reach there in 13.2 billion years.

So with all these huge, huge spaces, I can't help but be damn curious about it. What the heck is out there? We're so vulnerable that we can't go out there to space without being in danger of radiation. To see a black hole devouring nearby stars, to see quasars in the center of galaxies, to see humangous supergiant stars going off in supernovas, these are the magnificient things that I've been so curious and amazed of since I was young. Its just breathtaking to think about it.


*Random ramblings*
  ¶ 11:42 PM

    ¶ 1:23 AM

  Well then. My friend's out of town to India from some investment meeting and so the company is left under my charge. Busy as hell. I understand how is it like to be a boss/supervisor.

The responsibilities are on you and if you don't do it, no one else would and that would mean bad business. I went to work on Saturday, full day, yes full day, from morning till afternoon doing standby and training in the morning and paper works in the afternoon till evening. In this short period of time, I've done quotations, invoices and handing over certs, board meetings, schematic drawing, DSP programming and scheduling. Not to mention hands on work. 5-in-1. Lol I was so busy that I didn't notice how heavy of a smoker I've become. Before I know it I was outside smoking my next cig. Gosh.

And I'm not complaining about these new found responsibilities. I've always yearn to do something that takes advantage of multitasking. The "CS days" hunger is back. A goal set to achieve.

Oh anyway, here's the all tidied up office of mine. Just a small office, nothing much to expect from it, but its good and comfy enough to do work.

  ¶ 9:57 PM

  Finally, had a break from the rush. Went out to meet up with Fi and Mich for dinner at yet another new place called "Hook-ed!", Upp Thomson.

  ¶ 10:49 PM

  After witnessing a few events the past few days at work and play, suddenly I'm rather skeptical of the future. I can't place it but I have to avoid or change something to make the future look brighter. My intuition tells me that something's amiss, that I'm doing something wrong, or rather I should be doing something better. But what is wrong or bad I don't know. Its kinda freaky when your intuition is rather accurate most of the times even though you want to believe that its not.


Guard the back, watch the front, cover the sides, they told me.


What about from above, under and inside? Whatever it is, it's making my senses sharper to observe, read and see through a person. The truth can sometimes be told without saying a word. Though sometimes, the words doesn't make sense.  ¶ 11:33 PM

  I was chatting with my cousin recently on the issue of getting married and having a child. I used to not want a child but after giving it a thought, I guess its ok to have one. I'd prefer a girl. So I went on to survey my married/engaged friends on their future plannings.

The ones that are married, warned me not to spend so much on the wedding, but spend it all on the honeymoon and the new home. Yes, a grand wedding is a once in a lifetime thing, but to spend thousands of dollars on one event and have none left is rather a waste if you ask me. I rather use that money go for a grand honeymoon, renovate my new house uberly nice, and if there's a baby coming, there's money left to sustain him/her. I remember the time when I was a little kid, 3-4yrs old, my dad actually make most of the furniture at home himself. Those times were rather hard on my parents. Another example is my friend. He spend 40k ringgit and another 15k SGD for his grand wedding. In the end, he had 7k left with an empty house. No money for furniture or renovations. Took him 2 long hard lived years to get back on track. He even asked his wife for abortion because they've decided that they won't be able to support the baby.

Money, money, money. Lol. I guess it evolves around just about anything.


On a lighter note, work's been good so far and again because of my age and my short 1 year experience, people just don't believe the work that I've done. Biasness.

Just wait and see...   ¶ 12:54 AM

  The world is a noisy place. It's so noisy that it's irritating at times. I can be very annoyed by noise. That's why I love the late nights. Where the noise is much lesser and it is more peaceful. Being alone in a quiet place is what I wish I could have. Stay in during the day when the noise reach its peak and come out at night where noise is lesser. I think it'd be cool to work at night. Being an owl and sleeps when everyone else is awake. Its just so damn noisy.

Maybe its just my ears. Or maybe I'm a quiet person. I hate noise. Noise makes me moody. Noise makes me irritated. Noise distracts me. Noise keeps me awake.

I wish to be living in my own place.  ¶ 10:56 PM

  Creativity is art.
Science is understanding.
Law is control.
Love is bonding.
Fear is survival.
Courage is honor.
Sadness is pessimism.
Happiness is success.
Anger is impatience.
Cruelty is madness.
Kindness is generosity.
Anxiety is uncertainty.
Jealousy is resentment.
Desire is obsession.  ¶ 1:44 AM

  Here I am lying on my bed blogging on my iPhone despite the fact that
my 1st day of work is tomorrow. Still wide awake. Thinking, thinking
of this feeling that i've been having for quite sometime. This unknown
feeling.

This feeling which I can roughly explain as confusion with a touch of
numbness. Sue might be right. I'm looking for love but it can't be
found. Neither am I rushing for it nor desperately in need of it. It's
more of a "want". Of course everyone wants to find their respective
love. The want to be loved and to love. I've seen it in couple's eyes.
And from the way they look, talk, feel, listen, etc. towards each
other, I can tell if it's love or infatuation. One who've tasted love,
would know what I mean.

So back to my feeling. In the past, I've learnt to differentiate love
and infatuation. Differentiate friendship love, family love, material
love, animal love. And of course, the love between Adam and Eve. Many,
many infatuation occured in the past. I'm extremely lucky to be loved
once and to love another twice. Imagine you trying this delicious meal
1st time in your life, the most delicious. Others were nice. Then, the
store you ate that delicious meal closed down. Don't you wanna find
another store that has the most delicious meal, like the one you've
tasted? It might be a different meal but it's still much more
delicious than the rest.

Well, I've looked high and low but I still couldn't find that dish.
For some reason unknown, after a long time, 2 years to be exact, I
still yearn for that dish. So the feeling that I'm having right now,
is confusion.

The only person that I felt most comfortable talking to, opening up
to, to joke with, to share thoughts, to create music, to be with, is
still her. 2 years no contact, no visual, and yet she's the only
person I've known that I felt most comfortable with. I've known many
people, met many faces. Nope, that feeling didn't resurface at all.
Just infatuations, strong friendship love or lust.

I still love Fizah, but it has evolved into a totally different kind
of love. One which I could not explain. And I still love you, one that
caused the most pain. Why? Aren't we humans suppose to have the
instinct to avoid, hate, fear the cause of the pain? Or make it go
away, get numbed by it? Isn't that logically the correct thing to do?
I'm confused.

Why is it that I subconsciously think of her everyday? Is there
something that remind me of her? No, I've gotten rid of everything.
How do we erase memories? My mind has a life on it's own. I'm not sad
or depressed by these thoughts. Nor am I hoping for anything. Or am I
sub-consciously wanting things to happen? What is it that my sub-
conscious mind up to?

With so many questions unanswered, that can only mean I am confused.
Unable to understand the cause, the logic, the feeling behind this
thoughts. 2 years has passed, the pain, sorrows, regrets have gone
away. But not the care, the love.

I just want to know...why......?

  ¶ 5:01 AM

  Hoho. All geared up for the acoustic meeting next month. Been singing everyday and playing guitar. Just hope the rest are as hyped as I am, which I don't think so.



Parents quarreling can be very childish. Very, very childish. What the heck.  ¶ 5:46 PM

  Hoho. The love had spread! Wan and Gf is loving the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz. Its gonna be on the song list for the acoustic meeting.

Well, that said, I'm organising this acoustic meet up next month. Place will hopefully, weather permit, at the Padang. Hopefully my wrist would heal in time for me to organise it on the 1st of Nov, Saturday. So the plan will be something like this. Everyone who will be coming down will prepare a song list and give to me a week in advance. This is so that I could gather the lyrics and chords. Plus the song too for us to get used to the song before start playing. On the day itself, everyone will sing and play every song together. The guitarist will be anyone. It is encouraged to bring everyone's acoustics less those who can't play. But hey, that's not a reason for you not to sing. =)

Since there'll be couples, I'll be arranging something like a mini performance for all the couples attending. ;)

Its gonna be spreading the love in this meeting. I've got a side plan if everyone agrees to it. An acoustic meeting + bbq by the beach? Sounds great but will need everyone's confirmation early.

Please please please please..... gimme my left hand back!

___________________________________________________________________

On a side note, I organised this meeting is because I've got nothing to do and I'll die not doing anything. Its also to meet up with the peeps together. Its been some time since we all gather together. Actually, we've never really meet up all together before. I'm really hoping this will work out. COME ON! DON'T BE ANTI SOCIAL!  ¶ 11:35 PM

  Here's a song by Jason Mraz. Its called "Love for a Child". This is the type of songs that I'd love to compose. Lyrics, available. Music, no idea. I need help on these kinda stuffs and that's where the acoustic guitar and singing meeting I'm arranging will hopefully help.


There's a picture on my kitchen wall
Looks like Jesus and his friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?

By the pool last night, apparently
The chemicals weren't mixed properly
You hit your head and then forgot your name
And then you woke up at the bottom by the drain
And now your altitude and memory's a shame

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I like to believe it was all about love for a child

And when the house was left in shambles
Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass
Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
And they never check to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd love to believe it's all about love for a child

It was all about love...  ¶ 12:58 AM