Fie for Thought
Tiring week. Won't bother talking about it.
However, the happy stuffs are worth mentioning.
Had my waffles and ice creams after a long and patient wait. Yay.
Went out with Wan and the newly recruited Sebas for haircut and eating sinful food.
On the way home, there's this irritating little girl with a toy balloon gun in the bus. She was sitting down and I was standing. She kept aiming that gun at my dick and go "Bang! Bang! Bang!". Like what the hell. Cute man. Lol. Her mum stopped her. Then after awhile, there she goes again. Haha. Yes, its embarrassing but at least it makes me smile after a tiring day.
Off to slumberland.
Its disturbing when every single day, for months, without fail, you will think of a person. Everyday, the 1st thing when you woke up, the last thing before you sleep, is to think of that person. For months. Its not intentional. Its more like a bad habit, an addiction.
What's more distracting is that you don't want to see that person. No matter how much you missed him/her. Its like smoking. You want to quit, but can't, you just want to smoke more. The matter gets worse if you're a multi-tasker. You can keep yourself busy with work or have fun with friends, but you can never fully occupy your mind. Somewhere in your mind there'll be this small tiny space that just flashes you his/her name or face and there you go, distracted. So be happy if you're not a multi-tasker. Just seeing his/her name or saying it, will be difficult. There's this uneasy feeling inside that'll linger after you've said it.
Sigh. Never wanted to say this but yeah, I've been thinking of you ever since. Never had it faded, just me with the usual mask. Can never put it away, so I'll just live with it. I missed you, a lot, but I'll try to hold myself back from seeing you. Of course, I lost my grip on myself at times. Just seeing you thrilled me like mad inside, and watching you go felt so heavy, all hidden away nicely behind a dumb mask.
Oh well, every action has its consequences. Since this is the price to fall in love then I'll pay it. Ain't a stranger to debts anyway. Hopefully, it'll all be settled soon.
I feel like writing a song.
The 1st weekend of working life has just past. Too fast. But I had fun. Whether its at work, play or just relaxing at home. I've just noticed that I haven't been eating much lately. Its either 1 meal a day with nestums or snacks, or just water and peanuts. What to do? I'm too broke to even go for a freaking haircut!
1 more week to go before pay day and I have less than 10 bucks. And yesterday I vomitted just when I was about to reach home at the lobby. Guess that's my body's way of telling me that it had enough. 1 more week ya! Hold on bugger!
Jamming was just superb. Conquered
Genghis Khan, tried
22 Acacia Avenue and recorded 2 of our originals; "
The Truth of War" and "
Mistress Of the Wolves". Awesome shits. Though Zach can't make it, Jason covered the vocals nicely, with us singing, no wait, shouting along like a bunch of nutheads. 3 hours of fun and laughter. That just sucked whatever energy that is left inside of me. Haha. It was worth the tiredness.
Oh by the way, Wan jot down the list of songs that we can play, learning to play or pending to agree to learn to play. =x I've updated the list. Here it is.
The Eisen Guard's list of songs.
PS: Irritating ya the big bold words? =x
Completed originals:
1) Mistress Of The Wolves
2) The Truth Of War
Incomplete originals:
Enemy Within
Unbalanced Nature
Grim Reaper Raises Deeper
Covers: (IM = Iron Maiden)
1) The Ides Of March (IM)
2) Wrathchild (IM)
3) Killers (IM)
4) Aces High (IM)
5) 2 Minutes to Midnight (IM)
6) Children of the Damned (IM)
7) Hallowed Be Thy Name (IM)
8) Dance of Death (IM)
9) Paschendale (IM)
10) Flight of Icarus (IM)
11) The Trooper (IM)
12) Fear of the Dark (IM)
13) Sign of the Cross (IM)
14) Infinite Dreams (IM)
15) Wasted Years (IM)
16) The Whole World's Gonna Know (Mr. Big)
17) Sweet Child of Mine (Guns & Roses)
18) Smoke on the Water (Deep Purple)
19) Genghis Khan (IM)
20) Como Estais Amigos (IM)
In Progress:
1) Heaven & Hell (Dio)
2) 22 Acacia Avenue (IM)
3) Don't Talk to Strangers (Dio)
4) Brave New World (IM)
Pending:
1) Holy Smoke (IM)
2) Only The GOod Die Young (IM)
3) The Reincarnation Of Benjamin Breeg (IM)
4) Brighter Than A Thousand Suns (IM)
5) For The Greater Good Of God (IM)
6) Run To The Hills (IM)
7) Only the Good Die Young (IM)
8) The Nomad (IM)
9) Rime of the Ancient Mariner (IM)
10) Losfer's Words (IM)
11) Powerslave (IM)
12) The Evil That Men Do (IM)
13) The Wickerman (IM)
My originals yet to be revised by the rest:
Come Home To Nothing (Metal/rock)
Fallen Advocate (Metal/rock)
Beneath a Stone (Rock Ballad)
That will never be (Metal/rock)
A Walk of Life (Rock Ballad)
Smile (Rock Ballad)
Yay! (RHCP rock)
Yup. That's all of it. Haha. Lets play more, shall we? The world's waiting. =D
Labels: Tired but satisfied =)
I'm tired, but it was a good day. Laughters, learning and working. I love the job, the people are fun and the work is interesting. More tiring days to come. Big projects at the new Laselle, NTU, Army Museum, etc.. Lots.
Keep me busy, keep my thoughts away.
Random stuff.
Unbalanced NatureHigh pass the mountains,
through the freezing pole of the world.
Rises upon the mystery,
of which cannot be solve.
Untied the nots of all,
Whom to be release upon all.
Where there will be fire,
On the cold faces of the world,
Shall all melt by the heat of it,
Melt till there won't be any left.
Evapourating souls slowly disappearing,
Slowly occupying the depths of hell.
Where hell is cold,
Where all the fire is blue.
There won't be God to help,
From the suffering of the flame.
Non shall pass its fury.
Neither will there be to oppose it.
May the fire remain cold,
In the heart of all those who live.
Where it will explode under the pressure of life.
Work started! Damn. Lots of shits need to learn. 3 months probation. Hopefully I'll made it through.
Work work work!
Bad dream. Bad dream. Bad dream....
Not good time to have a bad dream, especially when the 1st day of work is tomorrow. And now, I can't go back to sleep. This is bad.
I wonder, when will this ever go away.
Remember the happy song that I wanted to write? Heh. It's done! Here it is.
Yay! I've made it!All the struggles and all the pain,
make it go away, make it fade away.
Keep my eyes on the pot of gold,
don't let it stray away, don't let it roam away.
Try my best, sweat it out,
tell yourself, "you can make it!" yea!
What they say is not really true,
No pain no gain, no brain none attain.
(Chorus)
Yeaaaa, I'm gonna make it!
Yeaaaa, I'm gonna get it!
Nooooo, ain't gonna give in!
And I've finally earn it!
Tons of problems, tons of troubles,
trying to stop you dead in your tracks.
Bringing down you morale and mood,
Damn, it's so heavy now.
Tears and blood that you have shed,
remember them, don't forget.
All that effort ain't gonna waste.
You're gonna make it through, we know you can!
(Chorus)
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
___________________________________________________________________
Yup yup. The song has this RCHP type of flow. Heh. Hopefully the guys would accept it. ^^
After thinking for a very long time, I've decided to tell a story. Tonight, there's a story I would like to share. Something very personal but I think its time to let my friends know. I'm sorry if I caused any uneasiness in anyone. This is my story.
There was a time back then where life has no meaning to me. Values are bullshit, and everyday was just another day to have fun, get wasted, to do what my "zhong" told me to do and to just get attention. Lost and depressed, I turned to joining a gang, heavy drinking and smoking. I was 15 turning 16. Still a kid who doesn't know anything.
Nights are spent at sparks. Afternoons are spent smoking or just plain finding trouble. I can't remember how many guys I've beaten up either alone or with people and how many times I've got beaten up. I thought I had a reason to beat the hell out of them. I was angry. I was furious. A kid who lost something so precious. I blamed it on everything. And when I'm drunk was when I'm at my worst. There was once, my "friends" and I beat up this 3 guys while we're drunk. They had to pull me back to stop me from killing one of them.
I didn't feel anything. No remorse, no nothing. I just couldn't give a damn. There was 3 "job" that I can still remember as clearly as if it happened just a year back. The 1st was to find a guy from another gang, who's currently hanging out around our "area" a week. Our "scouts" confirm to us the guy, he was smoking with his friends at the street soccer court. They had 4 guys, we had 5. So we went there with metal pipes and keys. Yes, keys. No warning or anything we just kept hitting. Apparently, we stopped after just 3 minutes and walked off after telling them to stay away. I remembered this clearly because kicked one of the guy's face while he was falling to the floor. Back then, I felt nothing. Now, its just.... sigh.
The other "job" I remembered it because we caused the guy to be knocked down by a car. His body was like a rag doll when he was hit....
The last "job"... It was a personal thing and also because its the last of it. I asked my "zhong" for a favour to find a particular guy whom I despise because he raped one of my "godsisters". "Zhong" said he offered to get the guy to somewhere quiet so I can deal with him anyway I like but I preferred him to be handled by only me. So yeah... 9pm I waited under his HDB flat. I was told he frequently goes to the kopitiam near his area at night. He went down at around 10pm. While he was going down the stairs, I moved up to him and stabbed him with a pointed comb, twice, and I whispered something like, "****** said hi, from her godbro. Die mother ******* **** ***." and I ran off. While I was running, I turned back and I saw him sitting on the stairs with his hands on his abdomen, bloodied.
Straight away after that, I went to get some beer and a pack of cigs. I went over to Bukit timah shopping center. Smoked, and drank. I smoked 3 packs. That was when I came to my senses. I don't know whether it was because I was drunk or its just my imagination, but at the bottom of the stairs, I saw Fizah, my ex-girlfriend that passed away, looking up at me crying. Crying so uncontrollably that her whole body was shaking. Before I could say anything, she turned and ran away. Disappeared into thin air.
What I felt after that, is that I felt I'm the lowest, most fucked up, most disgusting piece of crap that ever existed on the face of this planet. I can't think of any word to describe it. Just pure fucked up. Guilt + stupidity + sadness + anger + fear, ETC! All the fucked up feelings, you name it, its there. What can I do? Nothing. The only thing in my head was suicide, the coward way out. I mean, I'm already the lowest piece of shit that ever existed, why not make a lower record? So there I was, sitting on the edge of the 23rd floor a HDB flat near my home. I kept asking for forgiveness but I know I would never be forgiven.
After silently saying my goodbyes to everyone, as I pushed off, my cat suddenly jumped up the divider and sat beside me, meowing. That stopped me, and for the 1st time in a long time, I used my head. I actually think! Who's gonna look after her (my cat) if I'm gone? Who's gonna look after my siblings when I'm gone? And the questions just kept flowing out. In fact the most important question that ring in my head that time was, "Why don't you make yourself useful and help others to repay your sins?" Though the sins can be never fully repaid, at least I tried.
The turning point of my life. I vowed not to ever drink and smoke again, but I've broken one of them and have no intention, not even the slightest, to break the other. From that point of time, I learn to be patient, learn to read people's emotions to better adapt to my surroundings, learn find answers whenever I ask myself questions. I can't walk away knowing I didn't help someone when I could help them. It'll leave me restless and guilty. After quite sometime, I learn the most important thing in life.
I was consoling one of my godsisters. She was feeling shitty for screaming at her mom. So she said she was so guilty and embarrassed that she just couldn't bear going back home to ask for forgiveness. That got me thinking. Then these words came out from my mouth automatically. It's not exactly what I've said but its about there. "Why don't you forgive yourself 1st? Your actions are your responsibility and same goes with your mistakes. Learn from it and correct it if you can. Forgive yourself then ask forgiveness from others because forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do." That was when I realised I have not forgiven myself of my sins. It is the hardest thing to do.
Till now I haven't forgiven myself fully for what I've done. Its hard and I'm still trying to redeem myself, for as long as it takes.
The nick coolfire was made up to cover the name I was called during those days. "Zhong" named me Fire because I'll just go crazy when I'm drunk. It may sound lame but the nick Felfirez meant "fallen Fire". There was "Sharp", "Daggie", "Zhang", "mike", "Ice", "Jay", "Boy" and "Fin". The "brothers" I was closest. The "sisters" are "Jane", "Lui", "kimmy", "Big sister", "cutie", "Jazmine", "lian", "mummy" and "kitty". I don't know what happened to them but though we're in a gang, they're like family. Many times they pulled me out of the shit and many times they protect me. Didn't get to thank them or say goodbye. Only to "Zhong". It was surprising he let me off easily. No payments no nothing. Just a last "job" of sending money to the other group which was over at another area. He even said if I need help just call him. I never did.
Time passed by, I remained as I was, anti social, loner but always willing to help. Till poly days, where finally I decided to change a little. Let myself out a bit. And that's where life just takes a turn for the better, finally.
Hoho!!! I've come up with this song for the victory theme! No, its not majestic, rather, cute? LOL! Can't wait to finish it and playyyyyyyy!!! Heh.
Just came back from chalet. Some family gathering. Boredddd. Good thing to have the guitar with me. And cigs of course. Heh.
Ahh.. Too many things to type. Lazy. Zz. Oh. A random thingie. I was walking home then suddenly this word appeared in my head like a huge sign board. The word is
"GOOSTAZ MAN! GOOSTAZ!" Now don't ask me what it means. Its totally random. It means Hello or just 'Power lah dhey! Power!' Heh. Er. Yah. Heeee. Good night!
Riddles, riddles,
everywhere it mingles.
In the faces of people,
or a drop of an apple.
Ask Issac Newton,
even he doesn't have a solution.
To why riddles mingle,
with life's jingles.
From each riddle,
we derive a clue.
And each clue we fiddle,
still, we can't know what's true.
These riddles make life so mysterious
and yet it makes life so interesting.
No one actually took it so serious,
Because serious is just so boring.
It'll be dull if we know the answer,
to each riddle and the one after.
Though the answer will be ones sorrow or laughter,
curiousity makes us pursue the answer.
The risk we take to find the explanations,
are often blinded by our own emotions.
Blindly we cross this sea of machinations,
whether we end up safely, is another question.
____________________________________________________________________
I'm cranky. Yes. I'm bored. I've got less than an hour of sleep in the last 48 hours. Mum's sick. I'm
broke. Interview coming soon. Freaking mind playing with me.
Gah. ZzZz.
I wanna hug and just stay there~~ =(
Wan gave me this idea! My next song will be about the enemy within you. Have you ever been in a situation where you're so determined to do something or achieve something, then your low self-esteem, your pessimism just stops you. Your most feared enemy is within you. You can stop yourself from doing anything. Hard for me to explain in detail but will post the lyrics once done. =) Damn, I wish my English is better.
Still need help on the previous post though. Just message me. =)
My mind's playing tricks on me again. Irritating shit. Should I play with its tricks? Its risky and not worth the risk at all. Yet, being a curious creature, I've decided to play along, with caution of course. My cards are hidden from prying eyes and my eyes are reading every move. What will the next move be? Slow and steady, Fie. You'll might even get out of this without anyone noticing it.
I've been thinking about the 3rd song I wanna write. Mistress of the Wolves was medieval. Grim Reaper Raises Deeper was dark and evil. And other ideas are fantasies. So I was thinking of making a song out of facts or history.
Watched Pirates 3. AWESOME!! FUCK! No no, not gonna write a song pirates, though it'll be a good idea. Ok back to the topic. So yeah, what should I write about?
Will it be about death?
Or will it be about war? Nah....
Or will it be about life..? Heh. We've got something here. People seemed to express their emotions better when they're either sad, angry, in love or hate. What about happiness? There are songs that convey happiness in it. I'm talking about happiness in victory, a major achievement. As far as I can remember, I don't recall any song that's about this emotions. Well, other than those background music you hear at awards whenever someone wins something, and its not rock/metal!
Oh, I just recalled one. We are the Champions by Queen. Amazing song that could just make the whole stadium explodes whenever MAN UTD win something (Sorry MAN UTD haters, but they've got the best song. HEH!) Yup, that's the kinda song, but its so grand. So ego. Wanna write something about personal achievements that's so important to the individual, yet no one realise he or she actually accomplish anything. Sounds familiar? I'm sure each and everyone of us felt it before. From getting distinction from exams, having your own computer, being able to do something when you 1st thought impossible to do. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna write about.
Come on peeps. Help me out a bit here. Gimme some ideas. I'd love to hear them. =)
When I look back in the past, there are some moments I'll smile whenever I thought of them. Ironically, at another point of time in the past, I rather not look back. Sometimes these smiles share some tears with them but its ok.
Its been 7 years. How are you doing? Wherever you are..
How about you? How have you been? Busy lately it seems. Stress eh? Relax. Remember what you told me that you want to achieve. =) How about life and everything? Hopefully good. Remember, punching bag is a beep away.
And what about the rest of you? What have you been doing? Too busy with your stuffs that you forget everything else? Things to do that just distract us from our goals and dreams. Tsk tsk.
Hope I could start work soon. Get paid. Save. Go on holidays that I've dreamt about, climb mountains, skydiving, etc. 22 this year, and I have 38 years till I 'relek one corner'. Not much time left. Always no time. =)
Hey you. Yeah you.
Who are you? I don't know you anymore.
Where have you been, or should I say, where you're going?
Where did you hide the person that I knew?
I can't see him anymore behind that new face.
No, don't assure me he's fine.
I don't see him. Hmm.
Still looking for him though, do let me know if you find him.
Thanks ya.
Fie
